Blossom Life

Hope

2011-12-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

Tonight I sit in my family room softly aglow from the tiny twinkles of the Christmas tree and garland adorning the fire place as my precious family sleeps. Today has been a wonderful, exciting time alive with the childlike wonder that often accompanies this time of year. For months I have felt blessed, content, amazed, and awestruck with all God has given me relationally through David, Daxton, Colton, and Korwyn. I know He heard repeatedly throughout this day the somewhat sarcastic but very well-meant "BEST CHRISTMAS EVERRRRR!" It was not meant irreverently just overflowing with gratefulness. As I sit and ponder this past year in our lives and in the lives of friends who have lost loved ones, I know that our current times together are to be pondered up and savored for they will most likely not always be. As much as I don't want today to be over, I do anticipate all God will do and how He will be faithful to bring us through just as He has done so often before.

This morning David and I arose earlier than the children. It was his brilliant idea to set an alarm for all of us (ours being 15 minutes earlier than theirs) so we could be awake with cameras ready to capture their faces upon entering the family room. When we arrived at our predetermined spots we knew they were awake and so we went in their room to bring them out a little early. He sat and brought to 7 and 8 year old light a truth about God and His Christmas Gift that spoke even to this 34 year old heart. He asked them if there was anything they were hoping to see out in the family room; if they were excited and anticipating what was ahead of them. They, of course, responded with nods of affirmation and total attention for he had hooked them. He went on to share that we can have that same hope and anticipation about Heaven because of The Gift of Jesus and that is why we celebrate His birth. It was such a quick, simple reminder in the moment, so relaxed and so relatable, yet so powerful. Yes, I was a little jealous but mostly I was thankful that God allows him use his words in such a way to lead the 4 of us.

As a parent, Christmas can get complicated. The world especially the American portion of it can cast so many tangents away from the True Meaning of the Season. In relationship with Jesus, I know the time of year is off, the account has been told and retold by stories and songs that it can get lost in translation, but I also know that childlike faith is to what we are called, and that knowledge and fact can bog down Truth as much as fiction, folklore and fairy tales. I struggle as a Mom to navigate my children through all of it. It is so refreshing when the Truth can be drawn from the simple moment of the day or experience.

I am so grateful for this hope, this anticipation that comes with my salvation because of God's Son, my Savior! I truly have had a very Merry Christmas and I am humbly grateful!

"Much-ness"

2011-11-19T14:57:00.001-08:00

The Mad-Hatter: (to Alice) "You used to be much more...'muchier'. You've lost your muchness."

This time of year often brings about reflection on life. This past week, however, has ignited much reflection and the quote above was the culmination of that reflection Friday night as David and I watched Alice in Wonderland by Tim Burton. You see, Tim and I don't always agree on what makes a good movie but I liked this one. I especially liked the "much-ness" quotes.

As I stood at the back of a room of worshiping students on Wednesday night, looking at the backs of their uplifted heads, for a moment I was transported back to my days as a student. I seemed to glimpse myself and yet it seemed so so long ago almost as if I was a stranger. In high school, I had very little "muchness" but I still thought I knew more than I admit to know now. My muchness grew through college as I came to know You more and more. Then through the years of Washington it reached its ultimate point just before it plummeted through the past five or so years of confusion and hurt over You, Your plans, and Your Purposes for both me and humanity. This life has been known to grab me, flip me, and shake the "muchness" from me like a chef would a salt shaker.

More reflection was sandwiched between a Monday morning phone call and my Friday afternoon witness of a small blue coffin cradling a 3 year old boy leading a procession into a church service and then out again. Nothing prepares you for that scene-especially when it is like this instance without prolonged sickness to foretell its coming. Crazy accidental stuff like this highlight the vulnerability of the human form no matter the age as well as the frailty of life as we know it. No amount of sympathy can let one imagine what life must be like for that father, mother, sister, and brother left to continue without a crucial piece to the puzzle of their family. I am sure their "muchness" is depleted right now. Mine wavered a bit and the reality of it is so far removed from me. However I do know You and though I cannot comprehend "why" things of this nature happen I know You hold us, cry with us, and can mend our hearts when they do. I have recently posted how grateful I am for the current season of life in which you have our family but I know the wind could change and that season could turn on a dime. This occurrence only undergirded that truth. I do hope and pray that when it does turn again my "muchness" will remain and multiply rather than dumping out and then having to be refilled.

Alice Kingsley: "Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
The Mad-Hatter: "That is an excellent practice."

This quote came over me and curved my lips upwards. I could only agree with the Mad-Hatter! How excellent would it be to practice thinking through all the "impossible things" with You each morning, actively pondering belief of them! First of all that You created me and love me. Secondly that You sent yourself/Son in human form to die for me, that I could know You and live eternally with You. Third that You dwell in me. Fourth that You have planned out the desires of my heart and then filled them giving me a life more than I could have ever imagined. Fifth that You have created other little people and allowed David and I to participate in that. Fifth that You know all, predestine all, AND provide free will at the same time. Now those impossible things are a great start to a day and makes one "much more muchier"!

Grateful, Peaceful, Enveloped

2011-11-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

Sharing prayer requests the other day with two friends gave me the opportunity to verbalize what I have been feeling for several weeks. Honestly in that moment I had others to pray for like Pawpaw and Buddy and so on but personally no requests, but praises from all directions. Right now we are good...healthy, learning more and more about Him and the dynamics of Him and our children. This season is a calm one. I can't think of anything-- even a want --and especially a need that He is not handling right now. I know it will not remain so most likely until my time on earth is spent but right now I am not taking it for granted and thankful to Him. I am trying to take time to share my excitement with Him in the little things that bring so much joy, and not leave Him out. I imagine He likes for me to run to Him with my squeals of joy and not just my tears of desperation!

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." - Zephaniah 3:17

Hope and excitement

2011-02-16T07:33:00.000-08:00

I have learned very well in this life that circumstances can't guide me. I will not allow them to rule whether I have joy and peace or not. But there has been a wave of circumstances in the lives of my friends that have caused excitement and hope to well up within me to mass amounts overflowing! I know this world is not our home and that we are just passing through; there is nothing that makes me want to stay and linger any longer than absolutely necessary, but it is times like these when I see my Father sending us postcards of love.

One of my favorite people is getting married in June after seeing much heartache and disappointment; this is one person I would have loved to spend a little part of each day with myself and could never quite understand why anyone would give that up through divorce. One of my dearest friends is in the finishing stages of adopting a little girl from China and to hear her talk of her husband and boys and the journey they are on to find this precious one makes my heart jump for joy to God. Two wonderful blessings in my life have just been accepted on a journey to a university environment that seems astounding and this makes my heart backflip. I am being allowed the privilege of watching my amazing neighbor be an amazing mom for the first time! Other friends families are being added to with new little creations regularly. One friend keeps me up to date on how she and her husband are loving people here and in India while some family keeps me in tune with a Nepali orphanage. Not to mention my own "awesome" family makes the number of laugh lines increase around my eyes almost by the second!

I have seen all of these endure hardship, pain, and brokenness. I have walked with them in some of it and had to be far away and lift them up to follow Him alone in other parts but oh, how wonderful it is to skip with them through these good times. It is these that make you glimpse the goodness of Him and how he works in it all!

"Making Much of God"

2011-01-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

David's talk to a group of students at a Beach Weekend in October prompted a discovery in my life about God's Purpose and how it is bigger than I had comprehended before. I am still discovering through a word study on His glory throughout Scripture in the Fall months and continuing into the chronological reading I began in early December. A friend also shared about her conversation with a mutual friend about what all this means and it was interesting to see Him working in them with this also. Then last night we had the pleasure of meeting an awesome group of young college students in the band 71 from Liberty University. To hear their talk of desiring to "make much of God" sent my thoughts spinning throughout the set, into the night, and continued this morning. They reminded me of myself in college a bit...and it was interesting to examine what all has transpired with Him since.

Have you ever heard the statement, "Don't you think you are making a big deal out of that?" I am talented at this!!!! I can make big deals out of a lot--both good and bad; and I try to make a big deal out of people too! The good are the "little things in life" like receiving a new journal that I really wanted or a 12oz. Dr. Pepper. The bad are usually played out with my verbal deluges to my mirror while I dry my hair--these usually have to do with my "hurt feelings". Often with both there is MUCH time spent in thoughts and focus on them. Anyway I connected last night that I am naturally good at this, improve with practice :), and unfortunately get more satisfaction from it than I have ever admitted. The question surfaced--is making much of God different than making a big deal out of Him and our relationship? Would He prefer to be thought about even a small portion of the time time I spend thinking about those other things? Is it possible that those inner emotions and soul vocabulary used are a more pleasing aroma than actual words sung during a worship set, spoken during a prayer or acted our during a "work" done to someone else in His Name? Have I overcomplicated "making much of Him"?

Third time's a charm

2010-12-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of conversing with this precious lady at lunch yesterday with my mom and Colton. The three of us had ordered and they had gone to find us a table while I waited for our order. I was sitting by these two sweet ladies on the bench and overheard their conversation about the restaurant and I chimed in. We got around to children and when she confirmed I had one on the way she asked if it was the first. I told her this would be our third and she said, "Can I share some words?" I said most definitely. She asked, "You know how 2 was 10 times as hard as 1?" I nodded. She said, "Well, I don't know why but going from 2 to 3 adds no more trouble so I could rest easy." I thanked her and their order number was called so she left the bench but winked and said it would be wonderful. This is not the first time I have heard this from seasoned women. The first one was Angie Jacobs- she confirmed that when her third came into all our lives.

I have been thinking through this over the last day and wondering at it. David and I have joked about how with one we had double coverage and now we have man-to-man coverage --what will prevent look like? But as I have processed these women's words I realize I may have been already practicing because I am often outnumbered. So their words are encouraging and do help me 'rest easy'.

"You Got That From My Mom"

2010-12-10T18:43:00.001-08:00

There are so many things that I so want to document running through my head but time during this season of life will not allow it, but I did want this one down.

Throughout the time God has given us with students, I have often observed how parents are seen by their children and how the children can at times give other sources more credit. Due to this observation I have prayed for my own children to be blessed with sources that are truly credible other than myself and David that may hold a higher "coolness" factor but still be grounded in Truth and be used to solidify Who and what we model in our home within our children's hearts.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday I was enjoying some time with my niece, Emily, nephew, Corey, and the fellas at the end of a table while dining at Cricket's restaurant (family tradition). Emily said something that was a window into a child's perspective as well as reviving my heart's desire for these "other" people. It was very simple and yet has stayed with me since in a profound way. We had ordered the boys water and were hearing some whining about our choice of drink for the meal and I replied with a very parental response having to do with children in many places in the world who would love to have that water. Emily who was seated next to me said something to the effect that I must have heard her mom say that. I couldn't help but giggle but it hit me square in the face that these little ones do not believe us; they think this is just something we say to get out of buying them Coke. I gently responded that I had actually never heard her mom say it but that unfortunately it was the truth--there really are children who would love clean water to drink and we take so much for granted. Her sweet face responded with a look of, "Really?!?!?" I think it was more of a "Really, you've never heard my mom say that?" than about the fact. Still our conversation foretold how our children as they grow older begin to doubt us. I know that Dax, Colton and Baby Girl will question us. I actually want to encourage them to do so in a respectful and appropriate way not just with us but with their Father in Heaven as well. He is big enough to handle their questions as rHe has been faithful to handle mine. I hope they can with seek and search with respect and comfort (different from ease) so as to find the Truth for themselves but my desire and prayer to have others reiterate Truth for them has been rekindled.

Spooky Stories

2010-11-03T17:07:00.000-07:00

I have never been the spooky anything type...not when I was younger and not now! If I could avoid them at sleepovers or stay home to keep from seeing a movie you bet I did. So when my baby boys brought up telling spooky stories in the tent after dark with flashlights during our last camping trip my stomach went over backwards (and it was NOT the baby kicking:)!!!!

I have found that I will do things out of my comfort zone more and more in parenting sometimes out of building relationships with the boys and sometimes just out of pure curiosity. This particular instance, it was CURIOSITY that had the most weight! Luring me to that tent were the investigative questions of "who has been telling spooky stories with my precious ones?," "what have they been telling them?," and "what am I gonna do to them when I find out?" Along with these I will be honest was some fear that I kept pushing down and this little pep talk that I gave myself ("Farah, if a 6 & 4 year old can handle it then so can you, grow a backbone, girl!")

It was beyond anything I could have dreamed or imagined! It was one of those little things in life that I hope stays with me forever - I will even fight dementia with cross word puzzles to keep it! My investigations halted as I became completely engrossed in their tiny microphone-like grips of the flashlights. To watch their little faces and expressions light up not only from the flashlight held beneath their chins but from their imaginations sparking and flickering with details was priceless!! My fears calmed as I realized the "spooky" was more "silly" with a dash of "superpower". I inwardly drowned in the humor that took over listening to talk of our family taking on invincibility and jet packs (Faith, the baby, and myself included) to fight off all the bad guys! Story after story, turn after turn, was as blissful as the hot chocolate we drank on that cool night. I am sure the spooky will turn spookier in years to come and I may have to sit a few out but I am so thankful for that night, that moment, and my family.

Ask, seek, knock...

2010-09-28T10:43:00.002-07:00

I was reviewing the verses from the message yesterday ( Matthew 7:7-23). Found it very interesting that "the Golden Rule": So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you for this sums up the Law and Prophets. (v.12) was adjacent to and immediately following the verses about continual prayer: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (v. 7-11) I couldn't help but think, "how many times have I prayed for someone what I would want them to pray for me?" Even more, "how the word 'continual' takes on an entirely new meaning when I think of it in this light."

Group Think

2010-09-23T18:28:00.000-07:00

I have succumb to this repeatedly throughout my 33 years- in school, within friendships, while involved in multilevel marketing on a couple of occasions, after reading books and in church experiences. I have observed it throughout our world, seen it at work in marketing, watched it move people to do things that are sometimes scary as well as cause movements that affected masses positively. G.T. is different than peer pressure because it can affect multiple generations, cross gender and racial barriers, and have stronger and longer-lasting effects. I have learned the hard way that I need to be a little more cautious about how much of the proverbial "kool-aid" in which I partake and the amount of time I 'down it'. I have been more cautious with my 'filters' on how I allow culture to affect my my body image, what I allow the television to inject into my eyes, and tried to teach our boys about filtering as well but 'movements' lure me in. I recently heard a pastor say, "When making a decision, be sure that you have heard from the LORD." All too often I have listened more to an author, a doctrine, or a 'leader' individual. It is not necessarily that I didn't hear from Him on the umbrella direction. Oftentimes I do follow Him one way only to get so excited about partial understanding and gung-ho that I find a book about it and run on up ahead eventually turning around and having to figure out where He stopped or which little path He took that I did not see. This makes me miss time with Him. One thing that David and I tried to share through student ministry that I don't think I have lived out well is "Be responsible for your own relationship with God- don't depend and wait on someone else to feed it to you. Find it in Scripture yourself." It is something I have strongly believed but unfortunately the life lesson --Believing and living out can sometimes be miles apart. I love the people with which I have had the privilege of being grouped; I just want to try harder to stay closest to My Savior, Creator, and Leader.

Truly, Fully, Potentially

2010-09-09T14:06:00.000-07:00

I have been reliving yesterday's ultrasound throughout the day as I did laundry, cleaned toilets, loaded the dishwasher, etc. It was amazing! There is something beyond vocabulary about those tiny fingers, two sides of brain, small spine, kicking legs, and flipping body after only 12 weeks of Your Work! The ultrasounds of the boys are some of my most cherished memories but as I look back I was so naive--so "dirt for brains" (as I have claimed in former posts). Driving to the doctor's office, I am so grateful You were with me and appreciative of our conversation and Your outpouring of peace to keep me from diving into memories of the other ultrasounds and their silence. The lag time between the tech finding Your creation and her pointing out the heartbeat was tolerable only because of Your presence. Thank You for clueing her in to turn up the volume! This lesson You have so gracefully taught me I wish I could pass on to others and especially to my children through only words but as I have learned from You: "Sometimes I cannot fully appreciate, truly praise, or recognize a fraction of the potential Beauty of something until after I have mourned. Unfortunately for me and my "dirt for brains," life experience is the only tool that You can use to heighten my senses and bring my awe to even close to where it should be and even then I am sure it still falls short." And so I can only continue to live this life as You bring me these senses and live it alongside my children as You heighten theirs. I do ask that You help us remain as pliable as we possibly can so that the mourning can be as little as possible for us to really get it.

"The LORD is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he understands how weak we are; he knows we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone--as though we had never been here. But the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear him. His salvation extends to the children's children of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments! ...Praise the LORD, everything he has created, everywhere in his kingdom. As for me--I, too, will praise the LORD." - Psalm 103:13-18, 22

2010-09-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

"Never mistake the will of the majority for the will of God." -plaque in Hobby Lobby

Dude! I should have had this hanging in my house for 30 or so years and been forced to see it everyday because I have confused these two way too many times than I would like to admit!

Being Involved in God's Plan

2010-09-03T13:56:00.000-07:00

I have vivid memories of my grandfather in the garden with his straw hat. I lived with my mom, grandmother, and him in my mother's childhood home from the age of 3 and he tended a plethora of vegetables and a few fruit trees. He died from heart disease when I was in second grade but I think he worked that garden for almost the entire time. I have written previously about him breaking off the handle of a brand new garden hoe for me to use. Compiling this memory with my own daily growth as a mother has shed some light on "working" alongside my Heavenly Father. Over the past 6 years I have had the very privileges of "doing" this and that, here and there with God but also with my boys "helping" me-sometimes making a little more work for me in the end. God has taught me so much, transformed me in so many ways as have the boys and their friends. As I left a store today and my four year old told the clerk to 'have a nice day' because he has experienced me say it, the thought struck me that this must be somewhat similar to how God feels when we imitate Him successfully. Much of "working" for the Kingdom of God can be either like it was for me tending the garden with my grandfather--making more work for Him to come back and repair later, unfortunately possibly destroying something He had painstakingly designed- or like my son's imitation of me today-- doing a good job and surprising Him out of the blue! I can't speak for Him on whether He prefers one more than the other because I know that when the boys are "helping" it still blesses me even though it wears me out. I hope that is how it is for Him and am so glad He doesn't tire as I do...

He may be using this in my processing the function of the church institution (not the Body) as well and maybe in helping me forgive.

Children's Books and Boppin' Balloons

2010-08-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

There are not many things in this world that I enjoy more than a good children's book. I have read them to myself, to rooms full of teenage girls, to my fellas, given them as greeting cards, and yes wanted to spend $114 on a Scholastic flyer. It is surprising to me how our pride can rear its head telling us we are too old or too cool for things. It is even more amazing to watch these inner wars within a group of teenagers and then to have them come back years later and talk about what an impact it made. I have begun to wonder if it is really the specific book read or the time shared or if it is that experience of shedding the world's expectations and having the enjoyment and innocence of a child if just for a moment that is the real draw. Is it that statement of I don't care what my "friend" thinks, I am not listening to another's perception, I am going to take in this simple moment and extract from it joy though it is but a trifle and my pride has no hold on me? Does this play into 'childlike faith'?

Last night we were at a birthday party and the fellas received a balloon on a rubber band that you bop ( I can't recall the actual name of them) as a party favor. Upon viewing it in the bag I was enveloped with happiness! (To let you know the extent of this, I am currently 9 wks pregnant and extremely nauseous but even the nausea did not stand a chance in bringing down my mood over this toy.) I am not sure what it was that always drew me to these; if it was simply that for this only child it could be played without requiring the presence of another individual which was often absent or if it was something about the coordination challenge. None the less, I was (and evidently still AM) a BIG fan! I remember trying to keep it going while doing other things as well as trying to move it from one hand to the other while still in motion. Yes, I am a 33 year old wife and mother but I really enjoy bopping that thing and refuse for pride to keep me from playing with it! The boys have been really nice to share:) I did hear a little voice of pride whisper something but I quickly denied it a listening "ear" and am so glad I did.

Quote: "You thrill me, LORD, with all you have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done. O LORD, what great miracles you do! And how deep are your thoughts. Psalm 92:4-5 NLT

Do You Ever Want a World Revolving Button...

2010-07-10T09:11:00.000-07:00

which will make the "world revolve around you" and that you can push to fit the current situation more easily into your life? One that makes the world stop and get out of the way for just a moment or at least function as you need it?

Note: I realize that current mothers may empathize; others may laugh at me; future mothers may not ought to read. :)

I can think of a couple of moments I have wished for one during this adventure called "motherhood". One such incident occurred Friday (I have recorded a more humorous version on the family blog but just wanted to have an account of the physical, mental, and emotional onslaught here). In mere seconds, my world was shaken up like a snowglobe. The what-ifs are too much to even allow to cross the landscape of my brain so we won't go there. I am just going to catalog the actual happenings and fill-in the emotional stir-craziness.

1) Colton busted chin on poolside edge.

I saw blood pouring from his face but couldn't tell quite from where it was coming: think from speech stuff (have we lost a tongue, teeth, damaged lips, nerves, etc. will we eat or speak normally --knew no concussion because walking, talking, crying, screaming, etc.

2) He fights me putting pressure with cloth to stop bleeding. The physical strength of my 4 year old is astounding especially when adrenaline is aiding him!

3) We execute getting in car and buckled to go to doc. The far back seat is so far away and he is so little and I just want to hold him. Alas, I must drive. Outside -Externally calm for him. Know he will be fine. Inside crying and shaking. Know more that he is in pain and is scared which causes me pain. Thanking God we are with friends and I can leave my eldest and the dive sticks, bag, and Hot Wheels track floating in pool and just get a move on!

4) I drive 25 miles an hour out of the neighborhood reminding myself to be safe for a wreck would not help. Part of the button's job would be to transform my Pilot into something likened to the Batmobile with 4 (ok--maybe 10) sirens, wings, and Go-go-gadget boosters on it communicating to the world to move over, be 2 minutes late to their lunch appointments and meetings-- I mean my child is bleeding!-- or aid me in propelling us around and over them.

5) All the radio stations are talking. He chooses and 'keeps' "Bust a Move". I think later how that song will no longer remind me of Jr. High dances or sleepovers.

6) There are traffic lights that have turned red. Seriously! Red right now? "Mom-mobile" and button where are you?!?!?!?! Externally calm and breathing so as not to exacerbate child's anxiety. Checking rearview mirror to see if the multiple band-aids are helping at all? Reassure him he is fine. Reassure myself.

7) We get to doctor and must wait for her to finish a well check in the next room. Want that kid to hurry up and do all the developmental standing on one foot etc. Get it done! I mean my child is now in my lap but still BLEEDING!

8) Doc tells Colton she will be right back to wash his chin. We guess what we think the "washer" will look like -he guesses a water hose; i guess a water gun. We talk about how it might spray us and he decides he might should close his eyes. I think that is a great idea because you don't want to see the rest either there buddy!

9) We are freezing in our swimsuits so I go get his clothes out of the car and at least change him into something dry and warm. I am thanking God for Cow Appreciation days for I would not have a change of clothes otherwise. We don't normally take clothes with us to swim but were planning to go to the Chick afterwards.

10) Get moved into room for cleaning and stitching. Take beach towel for covering eyes. Thankful to God we were at pool and have beach towel to use.

11) Holding his arms and legs while Doctor works and assistant holds beach towel in place. Get a little teary-eyed as he cries and moans but is so brave. SOOOO thankful for that beach towel that he can't see syringes, needles, or MY FACE!

12) Tell him a story of the 5 brothers (5 fingers - we make up stories about them often) to calm & distract. This one is about them playing with slot cars, jumping on Spider Jumps, and racing go-carts. wondering if any of it is making sense - feeling weight of physical hold on him, and mental and emotional hold on myself.

13) It is done. We go back to friend's house. Neither one of us is hungry and it is 3 hours past lunch time! After about 30 minutes feel like my sugar crashes, need food immediately! Adrenaline has ceased to help! Eat! He comes and says he is hungry now. Feed him. Leave! All of a sudden feel like I could sleep for days.

14) Hold breath the rest of afternoon that he is going to hit it again. Keep reminding him to be easy and gentle. Discover the knots that have formed in my stomach and shoulders. Fight the desire to be with him in every room at every second.

15) Get him some stuff from pharmacy, put in on, give it to him, and get him in bed. Can't sleep; stomach now yelling at me. Check on him multiple times to be sure he is not on it. Physically spent. Emotionally and mentally wrenched but can't get comfortable much less nod off.

Stargazers

2010-06-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

...after they bloomed

I love stargazer lilies! When I worked at the Auburn Flower Shop it was one of my favorite things to use them in an arrangement instead of a bow. I bought a potted version about three years ago and planted it rather than throwing it out (never dreaming it would grow). First year -nothing except 6 inches of green. Second year- 3 foot stalk with two blooms. This year over 5 1/2 feet stalk on main and about a dozen buds! Yes- I am STANDING beside it! I can't believe it!

2010-06-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

As we were coming home Sunday evening, we were traveling in a thunderstorm. We came to the end and you could see a definitive line across the sky where it stopped. Behind us was darkness but in front of us was light and fluffy. Even after we drove under the "line" and the rain ceased pelting our vehicle, blinding us despite our wipers, I continued to feel the tension in my shoulders and neck as well as squinting my eyes. When I realized this I thought about our life in this parallel. It has felt like the last few years have been a stormy season for our family and although the driving rain has stopped ( I think and hope!) I am still in "stormy posture". I have just finished meeting with a few ladies in my home on Tuesday mornings for Bible study and this particular one talked about this to a degree. It was mostly about letting go of idols but it talked about the promises of God as well. Regarding some of those promises, I wrote in the margin "Why is it so much harder for me to rest in 'he rewards those who earnestly seek him' (Heb . 11) and 'I have overcome the world!' (Jn 16:33) than to rest in "in this world you will have trouble(Jn 16:33)'? I do love what He is doing; glimpses of new stuff--improved versions of me and David (we are still works in progress) and amazing new truths being learned. I want to take it in, and soak it up more like dancing in a warm summer soft shower rather than dodging soaking cold pelting drops.

Quote: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." - Isaiah 43:18-19

Authenticity

2010-05-06T21:20:00.001-07:00

Lately, (especially since Dax started reading) I have been trying to incorporate our values more into our living space to be subtle reminders to all of us. "God's Purpose", "Authenticity", & "Character" are less concrete than "Each other, People, Excellence, Experience, or Laughter". So they have been a bit more challenging with which to decorate our home. As I was thinking through some wall space that is soon to be freed up by rearranging, I thought I would research "Authenticity" a little more. I started with definitions planning to move on to quotes. (This research also helps in teachable moments for myself as well as my fellas--last night's taught me more than I could have asked for or imagined).

The latter definitions according Webster were not surprising and under girded our original intention for its inclusion in our values: "4. not false or imitation; REAL, ACTUAL" and "5. true to one's own personality, spirit, or character".

The earlier definitions were a pleasant surprise: "2a.worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact; 2b. conforming to an original so as to reproduce essential features; 3a.made or done the same way as an original". As I studied further through synonyms listed like "obsolete" to its synonym "vestigial" I also discovered this phrase: "...a trace, mark, or visible sign left by something..." This definitely deepens my view of the value of authenticity in my own life and strengthens my desire for it even more because I do so want my all to be based on His Truth with is ultimate "fact" as well as conform to Him as the Original of all originals, being a reproduction of His "essential features". I also most definitely want His trace, mark, or sign to be visible on me.

Quote: a synonym 'extra' in my dictionary "Authentic, genuine, bona fide mean being actually and exactly what is claimed. AUTHENTIC implies being fully trustworthy as according with fact ; it can also stress painstaking or faithful imitation of an original. GENUINE implies actual character not counterfeited, imitated, or adulterated; it also connotes definite origin from a source. BONA FIDE implies good faith and sincerity of intention.

Quiet Friends Pt.2

2010-03-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

Been pondering and discussing this from my heart the past few days and wanted to add a little reflection examples from this life.

In the husband and wife relationship (which God has used as examples for me both in my Bible and in my own experience with David), you start off with much pomp and circumstance with the wedding, needing to cuddle a lot or hold hands, or whatever to feel connected. But as the years and the experiences have grown and added up, I am overwhelmed when he just comes in the room. There are many days I can't get through the children to get to him for a hug, often I do, but nevertheless to make eye contact and smile across the room connect us. It used to be about what he planned for entertainment on a date or what he gave me recently that drew me in. Now I love to merely sit by his side. The games and the experiences are all the bigger when he is there but they aren't the highlight. This is how it is with God as well.

Through the parent lens, the boys have gone through this stage (or are in it) where they just talk and talk and talk. All the time chatting, processing vocally their world, our relationship, and their philosophies (whether understandings, musings, or desires). I often feel we are in a non-stop conversation from morning til night. I am always on the lookout for ways to entertain or little things in life to point out to them. I know (I hope and pray) there will come a day when we can just sit together and enjoy each other's presence. Both of these relational times I will value for different reasons, but I sense that this is where I have come with my Father. Out of my immaturity and insatiable desire to be wowed by His actions and lessons to a point where He Himself wows me quietly! I realize this does not stop Him from moving and acting; it just makes it more profound when He does and more enjoyable during the waiting, in the interim.

Quiet Friends

2010-03-17T20:49:00.000-07:00

And the thoughts and words just keep coming...

I have a handful of friends, two in particular, with whom I have mutually termed "quiet friends". They are friends with whom I could sit, walk, or ride and be quiet without any awkward feeling. No matter what is going on in life to just be in one another's presence brings peace. After a several-year-long season of watching God move in my life and the lives of people around me with gusto, I have moved into a season where He is a bit quieter in His relating to me. We commune just in a more intimate and less public way. I had grown a bit dependent I think on the activity of our relationship. He had to quiet me a bit. For quite a while He poured out unquestionable, lavishing experience (and occasionally entertainment) for the most part exciting me, answering my every question and request in some way. Then it felt as if he put the brakes on and I wasn't quite sure what that meant. I was scared and scrambling. However, I sense now that we are growing into quiet friends (maybe I am the only one growing-- maturing out of the excitable, discontent, emotional chatterbox into a quiet friend content to just be in His presence). How wonderful!

Dreaming

2010-03-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

(It has been a while since I had a desire to post or really had anything on my mind. Been a little foggy and blank of late.)

Top 10 Things I Want To Do "When I Grow Up"

The first five are things I'd like to do again; the last are things I have never done but think I'd love to do. I realize these are minimum wage jobs or even volunteer but they are my dreams. This list does not include family dreams, places I want to see, mission trips I'd like to take or some people I want to meet, but most will have to come after my children have made lives of their own (so as not to embarrass them). Otherwise they are not really in any order.

10) Read one more child's book to a group of teenage girls or even women for that matter and open their eyes to the beauty of it (even though they come in the room thinking it is going to be the dumbest thing ever).

9) Guide one more group of teenage mothers through basic communication therapy with their infants and watch them bond with someone they weren't really sure about.

8) Help one more elderly stroke patient come off a feeding tube and enjoy tasting again even if it is only for a few more months before another stroke hits.

7)Volunteer at the local library for restocking shelves, helping people search, or for story time with little ones.

6)Plan one more women's retreat whether or not I am able to attend.

5)Work in a flower shop once more. ( I put this as number 5 because I have done it but would love to also deliver some and not just arrange, take care of orders, supply, and closing out the register. I would love to multiply joy and share burdens by passing life and creation through a door and seeing the faces on the other side whether wrinkled with laugh lines or stained with tears.)

4)Be a work camper in an RV park with my precious husband (of course I would be the greeter/ store clerk/event hostess and he would have garbage/maintenance/bathroom duty. :)

3)Meet and hold and hug the children of former students.

2)Be a hostess at a Chik-Fil-A and carry the trays of mothers with young children (and other people too :). This one involves big shoes to fill because I could never be as wonderful as Mrs. Vicki at the Dawsonville location!

1)Volunteer at a nursing home and have the time to sit and listen to residents unlike when I worked there. Maybe even help out with the activities department as well.

After typing this, I am refreshed and thankful at how much He has allowed me to experience. I also look forward to what I know He will do in and through me because it will be "immeasurably more" than all I ask or imagine. (Eph. 3:20)

"Treasure" boxes

2010-01-21T15:14:00.000-08:00

My little fellas each had a shoebox in which to put "treasures" and those boxes have now graduated to Sterilite Storage drawers. Their treasures are a smorgasbord from things they have created to things they have purchased out of bubble gum machines to tiny objects earned from their school's treasure chest. I do understand the concepts which make these things valuable ( I too, had a treasure shoebox as a child and am the one who introduced this to my little scavengers). However as the mother now, unfortunately my agenda has creeped in and these things can be somewhat irritating at times especially when not nicely kept in their respective drawer on vacuuming day! I didn't quite realize exactly how much I lost comprehension of their importance until yesterday evening.

Dax's class is celebrating their 100th day of school on Monday and they have been instructed to bring in a collection of 100 things. So each day he and I have been adding 20 or so items to a gallon size Ziploc bag. We began with the treasure drawer because it is a bountiful place to find 100 small things. As I held the bag open for him, he sorted through each thing deciding if it was interesting enough to take to school but not too special to remain secured in the recesses of the drawer. Watching him hold each item and recount where he got it, the special mark that told him it was his (he and Colton have some of the same things), how he made it/earned it, down to how it may have been scratched/broken, etc. was a great exercise for me. Even though to me some of them are still technically pieces of trash (cutouts from magazines that he did at preschool), I remember that their value is so much more than the maximum 25 cents that he paid for them.

As I sat astounded that he remembered so many details about each one, the reflection was revealed and I realized that I had a lot in common with these little "treasures". For in and of myself there isn't what most would call valuable; I recognize my minuteness (especially after watching the Crazy Love video), there is more spiritual trash in me than I am often willing to admit, and I have been "chipped", am scratched up in places and just plain worn out in others. I am not what many would treasure or try to keep up with but I rest in knowing that One does. He knows when I sit and when I rise, is familiar with all my ways, and hems me in. (Psalm 139). How do I return that love as I am also nothing but dust (Psalm 103:14)? Speechless that he has compassion on my form.

The precious 12 days...

2010-01-09T11:39:00.000-08:00

are not the 12 days of Christmas for my husband. We are approaching one of David's favorite times of the year. You would think after the 10 1/2 years of marriage with the 5 1/2 years of dating prior, his affection for these days would have worn down. But oh no, it has only grown stronger! "To which 12 days are you referring, Farah?" "Ah, the the 12 in mid-January when I am, for this brief time, 2 years older than him. As we have aged, I often forget he is younger than me with his wisdom, his wonderful leadership of our family, and the amazing way he loves me and our children-- until that is, these days began their approach. I know their presence is eminent when I experience events such as the following:

While reviewing a life lesson we had seen on a show earlier in the morning, I said to the boys, "Remember, boys, it is good to listen to and take advice from those who are older" and from behind me, my loving husband adds, "and there aren't many older than mommy..." or something to that effect! Oh, one of the reasons I love him so is his humor!

Education

2009-12-15T18:39:00.000-08:00

If you had asked me 15 years ago what my thoughts on education were, you would have gotten a very driven answer from a high school student who was doing her best to stay in the top 10 and work her way into a good college--the best college---Auburn!

If you had questioned me again 3 1/2 years later, you would have gotten another driven answer about its necessity to life from a Master's student trying to compete to stay in a program as well as retain so much overload that she could get through comps without passing out.

As I have grown and through David and I developing our family values my views on education have progressed as well. You will not find in in the list. My ultimate hope is that my boys will be learners and self-taught more than educated. My hope in them learning to read is more so they will love the Word, math more for being good stewards of what they have and problem solving mastery, etc. Dax right now is learning to write in kindergarten, along with sight words and math concepts. But the other night he asked to practice with his new snowman pen I bought. So while I was cooking supper he wrote the first line...showed it to me... and I wrote back...etc. Mind you, he's never written notes in class, but I have... and this experience was greater than any yes/no box situation I ever had. He had no idea what this did to my heart and words can't express; he was just writing openly, vulnerably and I wanted to somehow keep it forever. This was the best way I could think to document it. Entirely new view of education.

I Love the Little Joys of the Christmas Season

2009-12-10T15:34:00.000-08:00

What does it say about you if you REALLY want to play with the toys you are wrapping? What if you are the mom and the toys are NERF and Star Wars? ;)

Added note: Holiday Goldfish are almost as cool as other little Christmas joys like Little Debbie tree cakes! (especially when you are taking care of a feverish boy and you both need a little fun)

With Age Comes....Humor?!?!?!?

2009-12-06T06:05:00.000-08:00

I have several friends who joke about not aging past 39, some past 29. And I have to admit, looking too long in the mirror and discovering the wrinkles and the gray hair is a little disconcerting. As well as watching friends and even my parents age. But in watching the boys, their friends, and some of my "speechies", I have come to a realization that with age also comes humor and joy. Doing the joke of the day clued me in to just how much Dax and Cole have not developed the life experience to understand some of the comparisons or play on words needed to get a joke. It also clued me in to how much more they knew that I had not realized they knew. Sarcasm and humor are developing within a little girl with whom I am working and beginning to drive her parents and siblings crazy because she does not quite know how to use it, but directing them to steer her in appropriate forms of humor have really helped the whole family. We have some other friends who have entered the Knock-Knock stage of life (their girls are 3 & 5) and have now banned them because of their overwhelming frequency, moving on to other joking methods. All of this to say, I have realized there are things that are hilarious to me at 32 that might have made me hide away and cry at 25. So in this life, where there is trouble, God gives us the ability to laugh and I am grateful. Not only does he give us the ability to laugh, he also uses the trouble to make the laughter times that much better. I choose to age and go past 39 with gusto, smile hard so there are thousands of wrinkles around my eyes and mouth, and get rid of all the mirrors in my house (o.k. maybe that is going a little too far!!)

"Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life." Proverbs 16:31

"..decay crept into my bones, ...yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyfully in God my Savior." - Habakkuk 3:4 ( I want this, I choose this, but only He can succeed this in me.)

Your Eyes

2009-11-11T11:13:00.001-08:00

My newest favorite song is "Give me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. I definately need His eyes for others but in listening to it in carline alone awaiting Colton pick-up, as He gave me what I prayed for, He also directed my gaze a little differently. I have been pretty down on my external appearance and a few other things lately, but He helped me see that I am one of those "humanity" that I want to love with His love.

Complaining vs. praising--being positive

2009-11-09T14:20:00.001-08:00

I have in the last few months been attempting to go against the grain of the world and praise more instead of complaining. I have seldom been one who went to the customer services department often or sent orders back in restaurants because I haven't been one to even really speak my mind when irritated. I don't want to offend or engage in conflict, but I haven't actively praised or noted when someone did a good job.

It started at the bank when a drive thru teller remembered that I had two boys and asked if they wanted me to bring them suckers when theywere not with me and I was driving the X-terra (David's usual mode of transportation). See, I had that in Wetumpka, but not in Auburn or Orting or Millbrook or Cumming. So I called her supervisor and let her know!!!! Then we were switching garbage carriers so we would not have to take our can all the way to the end of our lane; found one that came down to our driveway. I got so aggrivated with our former garbage service during this process, but I called and left a thankful message with the new one instead because of the way they were handling us with care. This has continued at the store, returned to the bank and flowed into a couple of restaurants who have served me and my two testosterone filled children. I have enjoyed it immensely until I received a gently prod in the heart a couple of days ago that doing it in the outside world is good but how about at home? Once again He caught me in my self-adoration and gave me His glimpse. I want to do this more with David and the boys and so I am TRYING to go into my days (only last two) looking for things to praise and thank, because I think I had taken up residency in their "customer service departments" with my white gloves on waiting to motivate and correct.

Walking at a cemetary

2009-11-09T14:19:00.000-08:00

There is a cemetary near Colton's preschool with a nicely paved road through it and to save time and gas while getting some excercise, I have walked there several times recently while he is in school. For some, walking in a cemetary would be wierd and possibly spooky but elderly people have been a large part of my entire life therefore making funerals and cemetary visits regular as well. This particular cemetary intrigues me. For many newer ones, there are rules that must be followed as to what type of headstone is allowed; what flowers are recommended; etc. --much like H.O.A.s. Those are good keeping everything cared for and uniform. But here it is well-kept but allows so much variety. There are headstones of all sizes from tall statues to simple flat markers, from the Civil War soldier markers to wide marble monuments covering entire families. I also love that they are allowed to have hanging baskets on curved stakes or solor powered light stakes or potted plants - pretty much whatever is wanted. One even has a stone bench signifying pretty frequent and long visiting to the place by a loved one. Each one is a celebration of the life that once inhabited the empty body beneath as well as the lives of the generations in which that life invested its earthly time. Cemetaries have stories to tell that are often missed in the hustle and bustle of life. Some are of sadness and loss of early life like that of entire family killed in a train wreck in 1964 (both parents and 5 kids ranging from 16 yrs. old to toddler age). Other stories are of love and memories. One quote I saw stated: "Memories of the past shall stay to bring joy despite the sorrow."

Books

2009-10-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

I found out what I could have been when I grew up. I am not sure why it has taken me 32 years to realize that I would have loved this profession. It obviously is not one that would financially fulfill but it hit me on Wednesday when I volunteered at Dax's school. With Colton's schedule altared this week, I went in to help out the librarian (media director) set up for the book fair. For one, I love books!!! I love libraries!!! I LOVE BOOK FAIRS!!!! So she showed me how to help the children sort the books upon return to make reshelving easier and oversee them during checkout. I also sorted the posters and numbered them for checkout. I had forgotten about the posters !!The books and pens and fun erasers I remembered! The other fun stuff was not there: the software, the activities, the games! I know I didn't see the difficult parts of the job; when the books come back beaten or when someone takes you for granted. But to connect something I love so much with kids like that; watching their little faces light up when the book they want is on the shelf just waiting to go with them on an adventure and carry them away to another place. Wow!

What if?

2009-10-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

If the "church" is most lived out at certain buildings at certain times of the week with certain groups, what happens if someone comes in and decrees that we cannot go to those places, open those doors, or participate in those practices? What will happen to her?

Trust

2009-10-12T03:45:00.000-07:00

(Been in shutdown a few weeks, as well as adjusting to new role as "chauffeur" with both boys attending some type of school- complete with volunteering, signing papers, emptying folders, packing lunches and snacks, doing laundry, making sure we dress in the right color on the right day, and so many more amazing things.)

I observed a situation on the playground one day while waiting for Dax in the carline. It must have been at least two weeks ago but I haven't been able to shake the image and processing it has churned up a list of questions within me. One little girl (4th or 5th grade) approached a "friend" and obviously convinced her to play the Trust Fall game where one person falls and the other catches. The initiator fell back and was faithfuflly caught. Then they switched. The former catcher proceeded to fall completely settled in the knowledge that she too would be caught (I have to interject I was more confident in her ability to be caught for she was smaller in stature -neither was what I would call big though). However, the initiator of the game exaggeratedly stepped aside at the last moment allowing her former catcher to fall to the ground while she laughed at her. The fallen didn't appear to be physically hurt, but her body language told volumes from her heart. She didn't show anger but confusion and embarassment. There were 50 or so feet, a small garden of sorts, a fence, and my car door separating us but I felt the whole thing too. I don't ever remember playing the game and being dropped but I have been metaphorically dropped a few times in the past 32 years.

The initial questions were: "What makes some be the dropper and some be the droppee? Is it personality: one is a comedian without feelings and one is a sensitive, gullible, wimpy "wuss" (me hanging out in the wuss category)? These stayed with the image for days and I would ponder them, and examine them to no avail with no answer or confirmation to be found.

The past day or so though, others have joined in and had more of a resounding effect: What makes one trust? Is it innocently there in all of us in the beginning and then chiseled away with life? What had the initiator experienced that drove her to act out in such a way? What would the "fallen one" do the next time a trust opportunity presented itself? How do I respond when trust opportunities are presented and do I do or inflict anything on others out of my distrust scars? Are we supposed to be able to trust in eachother as brothers and sisters? Is trust a piece of Eden that remained through the Fall? If so, how do we protect it, compelling ourselves to trust and trust again as well as be trustworthy?

I found in interesting that my NCV Concordance addressed trust as "a duty" listing Luke 16:11, 1 Corinthians 4:2, Titus 2:10.
The verse that resounded within my own scarred heart was Romans 10:11 which sums up who we are to put ultimate trust in above everything and everyone: "As the Scripture says, 'Anyone who trusts in him [Jesus] will never be disappointed." (quoting Isaiah 28:16)

External Comforts

2009-08-19T15:19:00.001-07:00

There are hurts and losses that can only be healed in the spirit. No amount of will or activity can overcome it; only God can touch those wounds and bring them to a place where they can exist without cringing pain or stinging ache. He is faithful to work and does so with skill, time, and love.

On the outside, the skin, though I believe there are things that bring about comfort- increase endorphine flow --whatever, they just help. I am with the majority in casserole comfort and a good brownie with of course, a Dr.Pepper but the following can't be beat in the world of Farah:

10. Crying

9. Drying flowers

8. Playing in the rain

7. Laughing at funny emails from great friends about PMS and GPS

6. watching Gilmore Girls

5. Reading Brennan Manning

4. Writing

3. Checking on others that I care about and shouldering their burdens with them

2. Sitting and visiting with good friends about nothing really

#1. DECORATING- using what I already have, painting it, moving it around, giving it a new look. We've been transforming the boys room into an older version -going with the AU sports of all kinds, planning space for new big beds and attempting to organize all their stuff and it has been a huge soft place upon which I could throw myself in this past hard week.

2009-08-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

There is something about seeing things in which your loved ones are involved! One of my favorites is seeing places that David has been a part of building--I enjoy just seeing pictures or plans of stuff I couldn't go to but I loved driving by the mill in Tacoma, seeing the hospital in Puyallup, and the office building in Bonney Lake; I enjoyed walking through the church and have been amazed at all they have done at the school so far. My most favorites are the bathroom renovations that we have done together-he actually does the work and I watch with the occasional hold (complete transformation at townhouse in Puyallup and closet addition now)! I do decorate it after. Woohoo!

Since moving into our current residence, we have noticed several areas that aren't what you would call straight lines or right angles but we love it anyway. This became all too apparent this weekend. In our bathroom this extra space has been the object of my repeated inspection over the last two years as I contemplated what we really wanted to do with it. We decided on a linen/storage closet. As he dove into the framing of the doorway this weekend, suddenly it was quite obvious that the space we were inserting the rectangular door was actually a larger parallelogram rather than a rectangle. It's little oddities and deformities were completely transparent until we inserted the acurately measured and cut pieces of wood frame. The first reaction is to think the framing is weird and then your realize no it is the already existing wall!

In observing this, I realized this happens all too often in the journey of life with Christ. We often look fine and functional but when He is inserted into our life, we are way off!! It is easy to think that He made us be that way upon His insertion or that He is the one that is askew, but in reality He has just given us an accurate measure. Unfortunately the outside world often sees this too, before He has time to plumb us up. That is where we begin to judge one another as hypocrites.

Unfortunately, in our bathroom, there is no way to align those walls around that new framing; we must rely on sheetrock, mud, tape, and paint to mask the 88 or 92 degree angles. But thankfully, in our spiritual life He can line us up on Himself with time, journey, and process.

People

2009-08-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

I was reunited with an old friend via telephone the other day and was reminded of something. She did not blatantly remind me of it; our conversation just seemed to emphasize it. "People are messy, sticky, scratchy, even when they are Forgiven. They then scratch each other, stick to each other and make more mess." It is amazing how such different perceptions can come from one experience and how often NO ONE really knows the whole story- including me. This is a great reminder for me. It can be difficult how we affect each other, but it can also be amazing.

It is amazing how one's smile can reach through to a stranger, how a supportive hand to the shoulder can relieve so much weight, how laughter is contagious, and how silently sitting with someone who has experienced life with you can "double the joy and half the sorrow." It is also indescribable how you can bond with someone you never got to meet face to face, and how they can affect how you envision your family, how you understand some of your friends, and even how you decorate your house. Life is beautiful- whether it is seventy-nine days in utero or seventy-nine years walking earth and it is meant to be spent in relationship, not to be held back!

2009-08-10T19:18:00.001-07:00

Life amazes me how in one day you can experience so much joy and so much pain simultaneously. The sun can been bright and shining, the face of one of your children can be one of pure fullfillment in his own life spilling over into yours, and inside can be a deep dark trench of sadness and loss running across your heart - all at the same time. You can be smiling down to your toes and sharing in the joy through eyes swollen from repetative gushes of salty, stinging tears. Emotions are so complex--emotions as a parent are unexplainable!

Pursuit of Truth

2009-08-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

As long as I can remember, I have wanted to know the truth. I have had multiple conversations in past years with people who would ask, "Even if it hurts you, you want to know exactly what happened?" My reply was always yes. This went with feedback about how I was doing on a job, or how someone saw me. This may feed into why I will often ask my friends if everything is alright between us when I have really no reason to think otherwise; not merely my desire to please others. I want to be sure that what I sense is accurate. This desire was prevalent as well in my first acquainatances with my God and Savior and remains. It is a good thing that drives me but it also can be a challenge because, "Mystery is spoiled by a word." (Abba's Child by Brennan Manning). God will remain a mystery to my human brain.

This is where I find myself in my journey to hunt for Truth (yes, I am speaking of Absolute Truth): a place of freedom from some of the bondages I have self-enforced and yet a place of accountability to be what I have yet to fulfill. As I have pondered this, several of my mentors of prior years have been examples of where I have grown and fallen short. Thinking of them and the beauty they reflect upon the world, I found this verse in Jeremiah 2:32-33 quite interesting: " A young woman does not forget her jewelry and a bride does not forget the decorations for her dress. But my people have forgotten me for more days than can be counted.(NCV)" These words move me deeply because I have been around quite a few women in my 32 years, some that others would describe as gorgeous, but these mentors of whom I speak would not necessarily fall into that category. Yet they are beautiful by far, than words can describe. They are not plucked, wrapped, made up, or tan. They are simple and quiet and peaceful, joy filled beings. They have lived life and continue to genuinely feel and love. And they get this "decoration" from only One Source, whom they remember.

In light of that, I want to quote E.E. Cummings (whom Brennan Manning quoted as well):
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.

God

2009-07-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful that You wrestle with me, teaching, questioning, and supporting while I go through this faith life from my grandparents' doctrine, my parents' stances, my friends' solutions, and my own life experiences. Continually you help me wade through methods and movements, because only You have the answer. I am so thankful for Your Word, Your Love, Your Ways, Your Character. I love to watch You working in me, in my family, in my friends, and in my world. I love that You show Yourself through creation, through teaching, through song, through a child's laugh, through provision and tears of loss. I love that You are You and that though You let me know You, there is continually more of You to get to know. I thank you for the people you have placed in my life to teach me, but I pray more and more to follow You directly and alone and not people. I still want my teachability and my desire for input, but I want it to be more from You. I pray that any that you allow me the opportunity to influence including my children and grandchildren would move more into that as well --that direct connection to You and not to me or any other.

Quote

2009-05-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

Love is not blind-- it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
- Rabbi Julius Gordon

Family

2009-05-26T01:44:00.000-07:00

Through all the "graduation season", life plans come up a lot. I was recently having a conversation with some friends / former students / adopted family about life plans. It was interesting to hear them talk about how really their main desire in life was to be a wife and mother to someone. For most in our culture, this sounds like no dream at all--it is rather a "given" as a sidenote to a career. It was also interesting to hear that at the same time they wanted this, there were areas where they felt not at all prepared. I have overheard similar sentiments from the mouths of older friends who are currently expecting or have been in the throes of parenthood for a year or so. I recognize that so much of who I am as a mother came from who I am as a speech therapist and all the training I learned about children, development, and communication --boy I am thankful. It is hard ironing out philosophies, plotting courses, and just getting the laundry done. How do we drown out popular culture's view that divorce will make it easier? What reminds us to stick in it not only "for the kids" but for ourselves and our spouse too? How do we remember that our children don't have to be best at everything? How do we keep from believing the myths that each birthday has to be bigger and better, that their every single action is a direct reflection of how good a parent we are ( a mom /dad odometer of sorts), that they must have that "700 horsepower, 12 gig, fully loaded" whatever toy that requires 900 batteries or they won't know we love them? Where do we learn these valuable lessons these days? Where is the "home training"--not just the please and thank yous--but the training on how to build a true one?

Better plan

2009-05-17T17:16:00.000-07:00

Friday night, the guys took off camping and my mom stayed an extra night following Dax's pre-k graduation for some girl time. We watched Marley and Me. She had not seen it yet and I wanted to see it again. One of my favorite quotes that sums up the movie:

"Sometimes life comes up with a better idea..." editor of the Sun Sentinal in the movie.

I really like this movie and this overall synopsis!! However, I know it is not life the comes up with the better idea for my life! And I really like the way His plan has been so different from mine!!!!!!

Random Farah "Shorts"

2009-05-05T10:39:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd copy David and share a little about my pre-wife /pre-baby /pre-highschool life for those who weren't present. Mine has more words0--but what's new?

1) I am an only child of divorced couple. I grew up in my grandparents' home from the age of 3. They were in their early 70s when I moved in and stole all their peace and quiet. I have only recently realized how this must have been for them since the boys are 3 and 5 (granted I was a girl but I was a PRESCHOOLER all the same)

2) I still remember the name of my kindergarten "boyfriend". "Bobby Heinz" (not sure if spelled it right) However, I do NOT remember ever thinking of marrying him or anything else, would not call him my first love--we were not even in the same class so did not see that much of eachother, only rarely when our classes played on the playground together. This too has a different angle to it with Dax approaching kindergarten.

3) I lied at least twice about having a boyfriend in Atlanta (where my Dad lived) because I felt extreme discomfort with a conversation about boyfriends during elementary school (this was one instance when the divorce came in a little handy)

4) I got my first real haircut (not trim) in 2nd grade because my grandmother (now late 70s) was not well enough to get all the tangles out of my long blond tresses. I was mortified! I felt like my face got even rounder and my dad said I looked like the little boy mascot for Stride Rite shoes (it was a little boy in a blue hat with a puppy) I still have issues with haircuts!

5) I had blond hair and green eyes but always wanted dark brown hair and brown eyes like my mom and Princess Leia.

6) I loved Star Wars, the Dukes of Hazard, Chips (I used to sit on the arm of our sofa like it was a motorcycle) Wonder Woman, Knight Rider, and the A-Team.

7) I had a window in my closet with a bookshelf in it. I kept the top of the bookshelf completely clear and used to go in and sit on top hidden by my hanging clothes for hours and read. I still want a real window seat and in every house I have had have tried to figure out how to get one, but a bay window is needed for the best kind.

8) We had a huge magnolia tree in our front yard with limbs all the way to the ground. They formed a "stairway" inside my "house". They were also great for hanging posters on for art. One summer day, a friend and i went in for lunch and a quick rainshower sprung un soaking all of what could have been my NKOTB memorabilia. They were toast!

Thirty thousand foot view

2009-05-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

David is great with this view- of family goals, ministry, business, etc. I on the other hand struggle with it! Big time! A resourse got me thinking today about that view--about getting a higher perspective. Stepping back from the canvas that up close appears to be an abstract compilation of color and shape but once you pull away is the reflection of Jesus on my life. When I think of my life-my story from Genesis until 2009- man oh man-it gets a little crazy sometimes.

We watched a movie last night that portrayed family life and priorities and so much more through the lens of a relationship with a dog! (I know Bether-weird!) But wow! At the end David said that was their story.

Some synopses for me about what I've been learning and some phrases I've gleaned:
God can grow the most in bad times.
You have the hardest growth in good times.
Act eternally (in good and bad)--in other words His perspective is way bigger than 30,000 feet. Get that view.

Saying no

2009-04-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

"Learn to say no; it will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin." - Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Apostle of Christ

2009-04-13T06:24:00.000-07:00

In the New Testament letters the writers often identify themselves with this phrase. It is defined as "one who is sent" and the term is used elsewhere in Scripture to name the group Jesus discipled. Over the past few days, I have been "marinating" in 1 Peter. In years past, I have viewed this self-identification as a career title (i.e. Speech-Pathologist, Accountant, etc.) As I read through the NT and now have been hanging out in Peter, I wonder if it is more of a relational distinction. The only examples I can think of fall short of what I think these guys actually felt when they say it: "David's wife, Dax and Cole's mom, so-and-so's friend etc."

What must it have felt like to simply write those words? "Apostle of Christ" meaning I walked with him (physically, mentally, emotionally and spriritually) and he believed in me enough to send me out with His Love.

What is happening?

2009-04-06T14:39:00.000-07:00

I realize that the blogging world has much to do with the prevalence of this situation in my life (along with the blogs that I try to stay up to date on) but I have just seen way more babies with tubes in noses and on IVs etc. I don't get it! On one hand, it hurts me, fills me with the "why?" question, and sends me into depths of my own wounds that I can't describe. On the other, I am thankful that those tiny tubes and those pediatric specialists exist to get so many of them over these health humps when able (i.e Tyler and Vivian)!! I question: "is it happening more than in the past, do I just know of it more because of my current life station, are more babies living now because of medical progression?" So many questions; no real answers, lots of opinions.

All this rambling ( and the Spring season) brings me to the following: Life is beautiful especially fresh life, new life. I think we take it so for granted. We see pregnant women and strollers everywhere and think its no biggie. We forget that precise creation time and effort went into each one of those images. Moving on, we take eachother for granted as well forgetting that precise creation time and effort went in to each of us as well. What would it be like if we could take the time to walk through the mall and be wowed at all of God's "art" both individually and in mass? What would it be like if it didn't take tubes and docs to bring me to somewhat value what He does?

Challenge

2009-03-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

David and the guys in our small group issued a challenge of Bible reading to another growth group in our church. I was not really excited about the challenge at first but decided I would do some experiments on myself during the time and it would help my team. I had just shared a desire to enjoy His Word more in my daily coming and going and such. So the first day, I read during "wait" moments when cooking dinner. I would read a Psalm and flip the chicken (for teryaki)...read a Psalm...flip the chicken. I initially went for 139 but was drawn to 138 and ended up reading 13 chapters just during meal prep and clean up. I even found myself reading the words to Him in my kitchen in gratefulness. It was a new kind of cool!

I am what some would call a "reader" and have been known during the boys' nap time to set a timer for an hour to limit my reading and get on with chores (i can't do this everyday-just occasionally). So I decided on day two to read the Bible as my "leisure reading" for an hour and see how far I could get. I ended up reading 32 chapters which included all of Matthew! I was shocked and ashamed! Dax was also not doing so well napping (found out later he was getting sick) so that hour had several breaks but the fact that I had just read an entire Gospel in one day much less one interrupted naptime was slightly convicting because I had never done that before. (Most of the time I read a chapter a day at the most--I got so much out of reading it like this--because I picked up on so many little details that I often lose). So I altered my experiment to see if I could read the Gospels through in 4 days! Wow! That rocked! More little things and more meaning when all back to back and fresh! With 3 days left in the challenge I wanted to see how much of the New Testament I could complete! I didn't finish before the next growth group but I am on my last book now which will put me at 11 days to read the New Testament. Before I would have said that I would never understand it if reading that fast but I have filled pages 13 or so pages of my journal with questions, prayers, and my heart has been grown. My best analogy is that it has been like a 10 day antibiotic against the sickness of self--still getting over my self and I know this will be a continued healing, but feeling so much better.

Some things I learned:
1) 25 Chapters of the Bible is about the equivalent of 2 chapters in my other favorite books.
2) Though loved and reconciled, I am still a very selfish sinner.
3) Peter is up there with people I have considered mentors--and he should have been there a long time ago. I have always admired and respected him, but he influences me now.
4) Though loved and reconciled, I am still a very selfish sinner.
5) The early churches were confused so why do I expect so much present day churches?
6) Though loved and reconciled, I am still a very selfish sinner.
7) Hebrews was not one of Paul's letters. I really like the way Luke writes (I know, David, lots of words and detail).
8) Though my only prayer should be, "Have mercy on me God, a sinner", I can ask, believe, and receive.
9) I wish I had done this experiment before I was a mom, still in college, with my roomies.
10) The Bible is not as huge in size as I have viewed it in the past, but it is BIGGER in Spirit than I can even begin to comprehend!

Weeds

2009-03-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

As Spring approaches, I have been watching the front flower bed because usually I look up one day and it is covered with weeds. This year I have made a special effort to monitor it as I go to and from the garage in the car. A week ago I noticed some little shoots of meaness (mostly grassy types) popping up as well as hints at my grape hyacinths and tulips! So I made a little goal to pull one a day while the boys were outside before the job became an entire day's worth of work. The ground was somewhat dry in the beginning and they would often break but I began to build the routine. Then I added that I'd go after a good rain and pull until I got at least one with the whole root attached. So Sunday evening I went out during a rain break and took the tools with me. I dug around a group and loosened the soil and scooped out not one root but a "root bed" with 8 or so roots with little grassy tops!! It was like hitting a good golf shot (which I have only done once in my life)--it makes you want to try repeatedly again. So I picked another one and tried but failed; then again with success. I like my new routine and after thinking it over have applied to other areas of life.

If I allow removal of one weed from my heart each day (i.e. choosing to turn over a worry, choosing a softer tone with the boys, overlooking an offense and picking love instead) it could eliminate a huge amount of work later. Also if a allow the "rain" in my life to soften and saturate my heart, root beds can be more easily and less painfully removed.

2009-02-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite classics is Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. I read it first for a book report when I was rather young. I remember checking it out of the Wetumpka library and thinking it was REALLY thick, internally doubtful that I could get through a book that thick. Part of my fondness of the book had to do with the fact that I liked it, could process it for the report, and it was the BIGGEST book I'd ever read!!!! Then it was required reading later on in my schooling and I enjoyed it then as well.

Recently David bought me a copy for me to add to our personal library. I have been rereading it since finishing The Prodigal God. The front has some additions: biographical information, prefaces to the second and third editions, introductions, and so forth.
In the preface to the second edition, I found this morsel.
"Conventionality is not morality. Self-righteousness is not religion. To attack the first is not to assail the last. To pluck the mask from the face of the Pharisee, is not to lift an impious hand to the Crown of Thorns." - Charlotte Bronte

The Prodigal God

2009-02-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

Began reading The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller yesterday given to us by Rodnet. Pretty much inhaled it during naptime and plan on jumping back in in a few minutes. It has affected me so much, in my personal self, in my reflections on student ministry, in my parenting, etc and it is such an easy read. May have more later...for now I just say go get it!!

Time of life

2009-01-25T14:44:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been to a nice restaurant (not one that is too fancy with minutia portions of strange food but one with great portions of great food!!) that has so many things on the menu that you want and know you would enjoy? You know you can't possibly eat it all and you must choose but it just all looks so appealing. That is where I am only not with food - with opportunities to invest in others.

I have a little book with little snipits that I read at least once a day. It is not what I use for my time with God but it is more like a little snack in the middle of the day. It summed my current perspective up in one of the journal questions today:

"What is your purpose in this period of your life?"

Times

2009-01-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

I can find myself occasionally enveloped by the "issues" of today. If I allow myself to see too much news, I can become slightly overwhelmed and somewhat intimidated by how to live in the present (and especially how to raise children ) "in such times". I've also overheard many of my parents' generation discuss the difficulty of such tasks. This quote helped remind me of the fact that evil has been in existence for a while now and just presents itself in different ways, as does holiness!
"There were no formerly heroic times and there was no formerly pure generation...There is no one here but us chickens, and so it always has been...There never was a more holy age than ours, and never a less. There is no less holiness at this time--as you are reading this--than there was the day the Red Sea parted." -Annie Dillard, For the Time Being

2009-01-06T07:50:00.000-08:00

"Of all the earthly music, that which reaches farthest into heaven is the beating of a truly loving heart." - Henry Ward Beecher

Tide games and Tied games

2009-01-03T07:18:00.000-08:00

Last night, we watched the 2009 Sugar Bowl between Alabama and Utah. I think it was best summed up by the commentators during halftime with something to the effect that Alabama wanted to be at the National Championship and Utah wanted to be at the Sugar Bowl. (Utah 31-Alabama 17) Great visual into contentment and usefulness and how they affect one another.

During the 4th quarter, they talked a little about the 1988 Sugar Bowl between Auburn and Syracuse (ending tied with 16 points each). It was very cool for me since I was there in New Orleans at that game. I was only 10 and had not yet become as interested in college ball as I am now nor did I have any real self-actualization. I did love the game however and remember feeling very different than the rest of the family and friends at the end of the game who would have preferred a win. Now 2/3 of my life later, I realize that it probably was because I love a tie. Be it in Memory, Go Fish, or football, I love a tie game. I love that they have their own category too. It is listed wins-losses-ties. I don't have a huge amount of competition in me--not sure if just wired that way or molded that way by life experience--but ties to me are great ways to end good play and fun. I know that to most this is strange--just a glimpse into me.

Verses that should have been cast in action flicks

2009-01-02T10:31:00.000-08:00

Do you ever come across a verse and all of sudden it kicks you up, flips you around a few times, slaps you across the face and sets you down before you even process that you sat down to read your Bible in the first place? If not, try this one. If you think you have one better, please post.

" As water reflects your face, so your mind shows what kind of person you are." -Proverbs 27:19

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T10:33:00.001-08:00

Although there have been some great experiences from light displays to pinecone snowmen, the true meaning of Christmas has been very real for me.

Reliant K 's"I Celebrate the Day" resonated

with me early in the season with the words, "I Celebrate the Day that You were born to die so one day I could pray for you to save my life."

Other parts are all to real for me as well, unfortunately, about finding myself in complacency only half as close to Him as I want to be. It has been great also to have deeper conversations with Dax about this very meaning and hearing him sing this song while playing in the playroom.

Praying

2008-12-19T10:16:00.000-08:00

It is a challenge to pray things that you know may go against your own will--especially if it is about someone else. For me anyway, it is more challenging to pray God's will for my family and friends than myself. I want Him to keep them close, safe, and without hardship. That of course is not my deepest wants for them but they are the ones that are easier and more immediate. I want Him to mold me and break me, I don't necessarily want Him to mold and break them--and when it means that His molding and making might be physically or emotionally separate them from me - that heightens the level of difficulty. I do want His Best for them but praying they experience whatever it takes for that is hard for my heart to enunciate.
My mother-in-law gave me a book at Christmas called Christmas Hearts the year after David and I got married. I have read it every year since--it involves case study type narratives on the people who experienced the First Christmas. My favorites are Zechariah and the inn keeper. It has everybody from Mary and Joseph to the Shepherds and Herod. Some are spiritually in-tune and others are not. I can't help but think about Mary's mother(she is not in there)-- what did she feel? had she prayed for her daughter to be used by God? when her daughter was used, could she believe it, was that what she hoped for? was she disappointed? Am I willing to turn over my friends and my loved ones to His Will for them --even further, can I hope in what He has for them? I know I can in a literal sense, but what will that take? Only He knows what the years ahead hold. May I be joyous in His working in them!! May I celebrate while missing them, if that is involved! May I feel it through my spirit in tune with Him and not just in my flesh!

Christmas trees

2008-12-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

David asked me the night we were putting up the tree what it was that made me enjoy it so. He admits he enjoys it because I do (he has two other little reasons that are fast joining in on the wonder). I answered that I wasn't sure but as I have thought it over and looked upon it, our tree is almost like a lifesize scrapbook of our life together. From our wedding Christmas showers, I remember who almost every decoration came from as well as what I call the "Big 3". These are ones we puchased together to commemorate our first married Christmas as well as our first Christmases with each of the boys. We have different ones that I have made throughout the years with both my mom and his. I love to remember those times of sitting and cutting lace, gluing, and sprinkling with glitter. It reminds me not just of our history but also of the history we have as descendents of Christ. The peacefulness of an early morning lit by nothing but tiny lights is what I consider a little glimpse of Heaven.

Quotes - Thomas Merton

2008-12-02T03:49:00.001-08:00

I had put down No Man Is an Island for a couple months to read some of the books David had from Leadership Challenge meetings, and have now picked it back up and I am soothed and convicted by it all at the same time.

"Providence can no longer be for us a philosophical abstraction. It is no longer a supernatural agency to provide us with food and clothing at the right time. Providence itself becomes our food and our clothing. God's mysterious decisions are themselves our life." p.69

"With a right intention, you quietly face the risk of losing the fruit of your work. With a simple intention you renounce the fruit before you even begin. You no longer even expect it. Only at this price can your work also become a prayer." p.74

"A right intention aims only at right action.
But even in the midst of action, a simple intention, renouncing all things but God alone, seeks Him alone. The secret of simple intention is that it is content to seek God and does not insist on finding Him right away, knowing that in seeking Him it has already found Him. Right intention knows this too, but not by experience, and therefore it obscurely feels that seeking God is still not enough."p.75

"Whatever is offered to God with a right intention is acceptable to Him.
Whatever is offered to God with a simple intention is not only acceptable by Him by reason of our good will, but is pleasing to Him in itself. It is a good and perfect work, performed entirely by His love. It draws its perfection not from our poor efforts alone but from His mercy which has made them rich. In giving the Lord the works of a right intention I can be sure that I am giving Him what is not bad. But in offering Him the works of a simple intention I am giving Him what is best. And beyond all that I can give Him or do for Him, I rest and take my joy in His glory."p. 76

As I ponder this along with bits from Ordering Your Private World, I see that the driven, right intentioned girl that has been me is moving and shifting farther away. It has been hard to let her go though. As I think back over earlier years of my life and the futility of grade success, of awards, of "right" choices, of career success, etc. moving on from one thing to the next, I see that truly to live like the above and Scripture describes as a prayerful life is to live in moments without regard to outcomes. (The outcomes aren't for me anyway.) This is not to be confused with poor stewardship or whimsical living by whatever makes me happy, but is defined by constant consideration of Him, awareness of my surroundings and flexibility that my agenda might change. Heck, I guess the agenda must altogether be thrown out.

New Place

2008-11-09T13:35:00.001-08:00

I have come to an unknown place in my spiritual journey. It is a place of more assurance and peace and one of less worry. I have sarcastically but truthfully stated repeatedly that the "older I get the dumber I get"; this is due to me continuing to realize how much I really don't know. Paradoxically I guess that is wisdom growing.

Anyway this place is one where I don't worship with praise songs or study like I have in years past. This of course, freaked me out at first. I don't depend so much on certain times or routines or circumstances, and I don't work to achieve relationship with Him as much as in my former years. And yet my trust grows despite unknowns in life--they have become a bit of comfort, like the responsibility of telling my fortune or making it no longer rest on my shoulders but I have come to see that whatever is, I have received from His all-knowing Hand. There is a hope and desire to discern the best choice and act on it out of love for Him and desire to line up with Him, but there is also a peace (maybe this has been revealed to me in parenting) that He can rework any mistake I make, holding my hand through the consequences even if He must allow the proverbial ax to fall.

American ladies

2008-10-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

I love when I am reading a book and see a quotation from C.S. Lewis, especially if it is another one of those moments when I have never heard of the book from which he is quoted. This is then added to the forever growing list of books I want to read. This happened today as I read Ordering Your Private World by Gordon McDonald. So much of what Mr. McDonald says has hit me square between the eyes about not only me but also the people whom I have allowed to influence me. There have been so many "driven" people in my life and thus I have become a driven person--from early on with grades to now as a mom, driveness is in me and until now I was deceived into thinking that was good. McDonald quotes Lewis from Letters to an American Lady.

Don't be too easily convinced that God really wants you to do all sorts of work you needn't do. Each must do his duty "in that state of life to which God has called him". Remember that a belief in the virtues of doing for doing's sake is characteristically feminine, characteristically American, and characteristically modern: so that THREE veils may divide you from the correct view! There can be intemperence in work just as in drink. What feels like zeal may be only fidgets or even the flattering of one's importance...By doing what "one's station and its duties" does not demand, one can make oneself less fit for the duties it DOES demand and so commit some injustice. Just you give Mary a little chance as well as Martha."

Oh the wisdom there!!!

My favorite excerpts are "the state of life, one's station, and flattering of one's self-importance". I see it all around and I see it in me:(. Answering to my station and my being in a created (therefore) dependent state of life gives me boldness to tell some tasks and some people to go fly a kite. I love it!

I find it ironic that Lewis wrote to "American ladies". Our culture continues to tie us up with STUFF and busyness and I want to be far from it. I love our freedoms and being American but I feel that we are blind to many ropes that truly bind us.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

Confession

2008-10-21T18:06:00.000-07:00

William Secker said, "Many blush to confess their faults, who never blush to commit them."

"confession is verbal humiliation" - Richard Sibbes

OUCH!

Confession is a crazy thing! I definately have a love-hate relationship with the practice. It is easy for me to overlook my need to do it. Shoot, I should "confess", I think I have an avoidance issue with it. But oh how it heals and frees and strengthens!

Healing of confession as seen in Scripture:

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed." - James 5:16

"When I kept silen about my sin, my body wasted away
Through my groaning all day long.
For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer.
I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I did not hide...
And you forgave the guilt of my sin."
Psalm 32:3-5

3 Signs

2008-10-08T19:19:00.001-07:00

I just finished reading The Three Signs of a Miserable Job by Patrick Lencioni (the staff at MLC just read it for Leadership Challenge and I love getting the hand-me downs). Currently as a full-time mom, I love reading what most would consider business books for freshening up my "business" at home. I have heard many mothers joke about being the CEO or CFO of their households but the few that I have seen live it out have mentored me to see the major difference it can make. ( I have heard he has a newer book out about the three questions of a frantic family or something--it is next on my list). I have set up some measurables in managing my crew here and the book really reminded me to know the boys and be intentional about them not just their laundry (ha!).

As a Speech-Language Pathologist, one of my favorite clinical studies was in the area of Corporate Speech. ( Maybe this is another reason I dive into business books). Few people have ever heard of such: to most people, speech involves decreasing a stutter or increasing the delivery of 3 points with a good intro and conclusion. It is so much more as seen in corporate usage. We learned how to provide "higher-ups" in companies with better communication and socialization to do just what this book described -- increase fullfillment in job atmosphere and culture. I believe one reason corporate speech is not as well-known is due to what this book described as managers not realizing the need, being too prideful to engage, or being to afraid of being hokey. Over the last almost 10 years since my Master's education, a favorite "secret" hobby of mine is to watch businesses and how they interact from the managers to the janitors. Obviously I rarely get to see owners and execs in everyday life, but you can get a pretty good idea from the lobby of any given business.

As a follower of Christ, it amazes me more and more how people can write stuff that are major ideas and publish them broadly and people go nuts! These very same people who love those have some idea that the Bible is not relevant when in actuality those "ideas" are big themes in Scripture. It astonishes me and excites me!
i.e. measurables - help people realize their purpose (Jeremiah 29), service to whom /who are you serving ( see the value of others John 13, Ephesians 6:7, Lk 16:13), anonymity (be interested not in own self but others - Philippians 2)
I think its cool!! I love my God and His Word!!

Back to work

2008-10-06T07:52:00.001-07:00

I actually did it...after a little over 5 years of being at home with the boys and 10 months of getting processed by the state of Georgia, I did some speech therapy Friday morning. I was scared to death as the week drew to a close...scared that it was all gone...that I had lost all the information I paid the Speech and Language Department of Auburn University for and worked to absorb for almost 6 years. I prayed and prayed that morning and the days preceding that He would help me help. I knew he was well acquainted with the specific little client that would face me and I just wanted to serve them because I was serving Him.

He was faithful!!! Oh, so faithful. It was a blast and I knew how to engage that precious creation because His Creator allowed it and because my Creator kept all that stuff stuffed up their in my brain He made. Woohoo!!!

Cynicism

2008-09-25T10:59:00.001-07:00

I feel myself growing older and more cynical. The faithful friends of mercy and compassion that I have held so close for so many years seem on more frequent days to be slipping away (out my ear or something). I have for many years always known more about others lives than I could let on--the obliviousness that I am famous for has been a helpful disguise to that!!, but it is still weight to know it. I am tired of believing the best about people and getting burned. It is getting to be more of a challenge to believe the best and not try to immediately uncover the imperfections. But I am fighting it! I do not want to be an old bitter woman; as I have said I want to emit grace and peace. I know my imperfections well and don't forget them when interacting with others still but sometimes lately I just feel myself watching their decisions and choices and responding with, "REally?" (you know the way only Crystal Corn can say it when confusion has overcome her).

I was encouraged by a little quote on a Yahoo news clip today. I liked it a lot!! Robert Wagner has written a book about his life. He was being interviewed and he spoke of this quote getting him through a lot: Eugene O'Neill -"Man is born broken, he lives by mending--the grace of God is the glue."

Worship

2008-09-23T18:33:00.000-07:00

We discussed worship tonight at FUZE and experienced some praise time but in our discussion we covered worshipping in our coming and going and living. It was a challenge to get the sixth graders (David and I are the coaches for them) to stick with us but I think they walked away with you can worship God silently or through song and you can do this anywhere in your daily life.

I was looking through scripture today just processing worship for myself attempting to prepare for tonight. We, of course, didn't get into this with the students but I wanted a record for me.

"Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness; tremble before him, all the earth. -Psalm 96:9 Here I have waivered back and forth throughout life but am not sure I've found balance. I have seen his hand move in so many ways and have been too familiar at times and too afraid at others. I do not want to be "used to" my God, but I do not want to run from Him. I liked the words "tremble before him". It is good to have a gentle shake, but I need to do it right there with Him.

"He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow." - Collosians 2:19 There was so much good stuff about genuine worship in this chapter, but the "he" here is the one who is judging others for the way they worship and hanging on to rituals rather than heart. I do have my favorites, my preferences for teaching, for leading me in song, etc. but I want to remember that it is my connection to the Head (my Jesus) and only Him that matters.

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." -Hebrews 12:28-29 I loved that the worship mentioned here came out of thankfulness of an unshakable King and His kingdom! It was also interesting that there was a note on the "acceptably with reverence and awe" section in my study Bible that referred back to Romans 12:1: "Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God --this is your spiritual act of worship." (which for me is the verse of all verses about worship and one we covered at FUZE)

Finally, I wrapped Romans 1:25 as a bandaid of confirmation around so many issues I have recorded in this blog before.
"They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the created thngs rather than the Creator- who is forever praised."
There are so many things in our world and in our culture that have been exchanged and flipped around: marriage, sexuality, friendship, success, education. Values are topsy-turvy and I want to trade in the lies I hold for absolute TRUTH!!

War Eagle anyway!

2008-09-22T10:30:00.001-07:00

So wow, the Auburn vs. LSU game was a tough loss. They did give me hope from the prior week though. I do love for the Tigers to win, but I also don't mind the losses. It makes me better. It helps train me to be loyal even when dissappointed, reminds me to love unconditionally, and helps me remember that new things do take time. New strategies of any kind whether in football, minstry, parenting, or life require patience and support and it is support I can give. I can't pass, tackle, kick, punt, receive, or coach, but support I will do.

Fall is in the air!!

2008-09-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like Fall to me!!! Unlike most people, this is when I feel my burst of energy. So many of my friends look forward to the sun and fun of summer. They Spring clean, they gear up to travel, and they are cheerful and peppy. I, on the other hand, get grumpy and have no desire to do much of anything. Come late August or early September and a cool breeze however, I am ready to deep clean, decorate, and trade the wading pool for some fall crafts, pumpkin patch visits, and corn maze hikes. Move lunch and snacks to outdoor picnics. I will even take out the trash!! At this point you could say go and I'd pack in minutes. Just to be out and enjoying all of Fall!

Grace and peace

2008-09-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

My hope and most recent selfish prayer is that my life will be used to portray this message:

"Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ"

Paul used this greeting in almost all of his letters (adding mercy occasionally). I just recently noticed this as I was rereading Ephesians. David and I wrote our wedding vows from that book and because of the Marriage Project and our upcoming anniversary I was reading it through for fresh views. This stood out to me and I began flipping through to his other letters confirming that he used it repeatedly usually within first 3 verses. I do see it as a greeting but don't think he ever wrote it lightly for he lived it as well.

I want to follow that in my dealings with my family, friends, at work, in errands, with my fellow planky people (those would be the ones who are extremely focused on my planks but who can't help me get them out of my eyes for theirs--no, I don't think i have merely specks--we just seem to keep whacking each other). I want to emit grace and peace wherever, whenever, however, and prayerfully, to whomever because I have been given so much.

Marriage Project

2008-09-15T11:22:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm back online, maybe this will publish...
One of my favorite things about the "Marriage Project" messages was the image conveyed by the background on stage. I loved the scaffolding and the tools and how they portrayed that marriage is something worked for and built. As a young girl, I wasn’t sure how I felt about marriage or if I ever really wanted to experience it. Sure, there were times I would dream like I think every girl does, but the examples around me mostly painted a picture of something that was a nuisance or caused pain. My first brush with divorce happened at the age of two in my own home and although painful I was prided as not really being “affected” by it. I was protected by my parents, grandparents, and so on, but it was thankfully not as common as it is today and children of divorce were therefore not as accepted into friendships as they are now. From that, the effects of insecurity came later within my teen years, on into my own marriage and my first pregnancy.
Later encounters with divorce came through close couple friends of ours. The first was about 2 ½ years ago and that was altogether a different feeling. I was hurting and so I know they were! It was so hard to watch and from the outside it seemed to me that they were not each other’s enemy. They were both being deceived by so much of the world’s lies about how “amicable” divorce can be, how “it makes everyone happier” and so on. This has happened several times since and, for me, it never gets easier to watch.
Despite those experiences I have been blessed to see 4 or 5 healthy (not perfect) marriages that have stood for many years and had to be reconciled along the way (2 Corinthians 5:18 alive and in living color!!). Those examples of perseverance, commitment, and friendship have been used by God to give me hope, courage, and strength. To me, they reflect the love of God in a way that He designed only marriage to reflect.
God has used my own marriage as a tool to reveal love, service, reconciliation, hope, perseverance, desire, pursuit, protection, friendship, relationship, forgiveness, abundance of life, and so much more both in mine and David’s relationship but moreover in my relationship with Him. It has given me a court on which to practice Ephesians 4:2-4 and learn to humble myself, be gentle, patient, and bear with another in love, making every effort to remain unified. Despite this, it is easy to often put David at the bottom of the list, knowing that he will “understand”. (Unfortunately, I think I may do this with God too). But when I take time to remember the effects my marriage can have on myself and others, it makes so much more sense to secure that babysitter, to spend that cash on marriage strengthening resources, to be a friend to my spouse, to take the time to flirt and romance, and to extend the grace that has been given to me.
I am now thankful that God and David convinced me to give this marriage thing a chance! I want mine and David’s marriage along with the marriages in our church family to be a source of that hope, courage, and perseverance not just for us and our children but for our students and our friends, through His Grace.

Night Rider

2008-08-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

Authentic moment: Okay so I'm not even sure if it is spelled some other way because I was really young when the original series was out but I remember it!!! ( It could have something to do with the fact that my first grade crush would run across the playground pretending to be driving Kit). Anyway while we were on vacation, we saw a preview for the new TV series. I have to be real and say I really want cable for that. It has been 7 1/2 years since we have gone to a hotel and watched TV and I left really wanting to watch the new Kit each week. Actually, I don't really want cable I just hope they put the series on DVD.

Perceptions

2008-08-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

An interesting conversation between David and myself has kept me laughing for about a week now. We began discussing hair color--ours, our children's, and others. He shared that over the past 9years of marriage (15 years of knowing one another) he had come to translate for me. If I described someone as blonde in directions, he would modify that in his mind to light brown, if I said brown, it most likely was black and so on. He would always go a little darker. This amused us both as we talked it over but it has continued to entertain me. How I could go that long (31 years) thinking this or that about hair color and someone so close has a totally different take on it. Who knows really whose eyes are truer (or even if hair color really exists --or is just a part of the matrix)?? The point is our perceptions are strong for both of us in many other things. It is important for us to recognize and know this. I must remember this in other instances where the subject is of greater importance than hair color. I may not have his same perception but I can choose to value his perception.

Exempt

2008-08-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

Webster's defines it as "free or released from some liability or requirement to which others are subject; set apart; to be released or delivered from something to which others are subject"

In a recent conversation with a close friend, she stated that she had felt at times that because she had made good decisions in her life that she was exempt from hardship (she admitted that this thought came from independence and judgement thinking). She is at a struggle time in life right now and felt somewhat blindsighted because of all of her "good choices". This comment touched me to the core so much so that I mulled it over a couple of weeks and we discussed it again. For me, my exemption came from the difficulties in my childhood that included loss, relational strain, and emotional issues beyond my control or my choices. I had come through healing throught Grace and Christ's Love, but I had unconsciously felt exemption in my own life due to the believed lie that I had put in my amount of hard time. I accepted that this world was broken and that it was the broken world that led to so much of my hurt, but I thought that my turn was over; time to move on to someone else. Dude!!! To type that is like so convicting that I was okay with others hurting and also so embarrassing because it is a majorly dumb thought with NO logic. I thought that as of 1999 I was happily married and ready to move on with my wonderful husband into "Happily Ever After". I can say thankfully that with him I have found much happiness but together we have experienced more loss, more pain, and more of the "not-so-happy" than I would have intended. But we are better and God has brought good out of it all while simultaneously growing more trust in Him, more dependency on eachother, and more realness than I ever intended either. So today I am thankful for my non-exemption. This unfortunately does not mean that I won't try to wave that flawed exemption thinking the next time I get gut punched by this world but hopefully this truth will help me trust even more and depend more fully.

The Shack by William P. Young

2008-07-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading this book given to me by a dear friend. I realize there are some things in it that take some weighing, but for me that makes a good book. If I ever find a book where I swallow everything it brings to the table, I will be leary of it and distrust it because there is only one written work that is absolute TRUTH--the Bible. The rest of them are gonna have there flaws. Overall I really liked it. I believe it was a tool used to churn up the hardening soil of my heart. It hit too close to home in some things and made me think a lot. It brought a miriad of emotion but I didn't feel manipulated. I felt stretched!!

A couple favorite quotes:

"I often find that getting the head issues out of the way first makes the heart stuff easier to work on later..."

" When you chose independence over relationship, you became a danger to each other."

"Relationships are never about power, and one way to avoid the will to power is to choose to limit oneself - to serve."

Sleep

2008-07-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

I am reading Matthew for the 52nd time in my life (I really don't know--52 is just my way of saying a lot). I began reading (I love the geneology more and more each time --it has become kind of like my family scrapbook) and as I have moved through Mary and Joseph's record and on through their moves it struck me that God spoke to Joseph quite often in his dreams. I have no idea if the following exegesis of Scripture is correct, but for me to dream I must sleep, which has been quite a challenge for me as of late. You see, I tend to worry, (I know it is sin and it separates --makes you tired too) about my family, about our country, about my couple friends and their marriages, about my single friends and their lives, about students, about our air conditioner, etc. I also tend to process (work stuff, letters, stuff to do with the boys) but I have come to hear from Him that bedtime should not be the place to do that.

I mean Joseph was dealing with a lot. First time dad, very new husband, a census, earthly father to the Son of God, body guard to the Son of God, and two moves in about two years (3 if you count the trip to Bethlehem). But still he slept and he dreamed. God may your peace cover me like that, may you grow my trust and my rest in You so that you have the opportunity to speak to me in my sleep.

Synopsis of "For the Love of God"

2008-07-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have really enjoyed reading through Deuteronomy. I love when the church family reads through things together. It hasn't been that long since I read Deuteronomy on my own but to hear others commenting on things is really neat for me.

My favorite verse (really a phrase) came early on (in Chapter 4:9) and it continued to resonate through until the final chapter. I happened to be reading in the New American Standard that day, and was so glad for the way it was worded: "keep your soul diligently". In realizing He wants me to be diligent about keeping my soul for Him, saving it for my ultimate Love, hoping in and for only Him, keeping Him above all, I had to assess where my diligence is really placed at times.

Also in thinking after Him, the diligence of keeping my soul to love others (especially my husband and children) is a tall order. Not that they are unloveable, just that I am full of selfishness, laziness, and am oh so weak. I have processed through loving with excellence (not perfection) before, but unfortunately I must confess, I think I have stopped short in that I loved excellently "that one time". But loving diligently--that adds time, repetition, and rememberance!

Lastly, keeping holds so much connotation. It could be misunderstood to mean holding onto without sharing; but I think it is more like caring for, investing in, strengthening, and protecting or guarding from harmful things. Like other things I love to keep (my marriage, my children & my garden), I want to keep my soul diligently.

Mentors

2008-07-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

Okay so not in the official use of the word but unofficially, one of my most appreciated mentors is Brennan Manning, and from his books it seems Thomas Merton is one of his, so David bought me one of his books on sale a few weeks ago, No Man Is An Island.

"It would be a sin to place any limit upon our hope in God. We must love Him without measure. All sin is rooted in the failure of love. All sin is a withdrawal of love from God, in order to love something else. Sin sets boundaries to our hope, and locks our love in prison. If we place our last end in something limited; we have withdrawn our hearts entirely from the service of the living God. If we continue to love Him as our end, but place our hope in something else together with Him, our love and our hope are not what they should be, for no man can serve two masters.

Reconciliation

2008-07-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like it!! Conflict is something I don't deal with well!!! I don't like to be involved in it but I don't like to know about others' dealing with it either. I have recently had the joy of watching student girls (3 different senarios) reconnecting with one another after months of silence or some time of discord and I can't describe the greatness of observing it. Even though I am not involved it brings me great excitement.

There are still other areas where I am praying for hearts to be pliable to reconcile as well as praying over and growing my own personal reconciliation "muscles". It's not easy but it is beautiful! I think it is so beautiful because reconciliation to others mirrors my relationship with Him.

"First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift" -Matthew 5:24b

"So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. WE implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." -2Corinthians 5:16-21

Crazy Love

2008-06-29T11:29:00.000-07:00

Rodney Anderson taught this morning on Crazy Love from Deut. 6:4-9. He pointed out the words "must" and "all" in verse 5 and how it was a challenge to wrap around the concept of loving God with all but at the same time to love "by definition" is with all of yourself. He also recounted a conversation he had with students about the Prodigal son and family in regards to the broader road/narrow way described by Jesus. He shared how they said the prodial was on the broader road and the other son was on the narrow path and how he helped them see the false perception of this--how they were both on the broader path. The other son just believed he was loving God when really he was not. We can not love God through morality and good "doing". They are not one in the same. To love God may bring these about in some instances but to love God is to sacrifice your all for Him and His. "Love" is the best way!

I really liked how Rodney talked about the big lies he had believed in his life. I have really been processing this with preparing for camp and girls' night, with thinking through my own gullible moments, and with realizing how much the enemy wants to destroy. I'm tired of the lies! I want a stronger filter for myself and for others! I want them exposed for what they are! I want us to realize the need for us to depend in order to be dependable, to understand the fact that we are not alone and are not made to live independently of others, and to see the strength in our vulnerability to God and those closest to us. I want to love with my all. I don't yet... but I want to.

She believed...

2008-06-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite accounts of Jesus interacting with people is found in Luke 7:36-50. I have studied it repeatedly through group studies and personal diving. David talked on it at Fuel and the last verse caught me sitting there in the Youth Activities Building of Bonclarken. I have always hung on to the description of her washing his feet, carried the weight of the fact that that perfume was most likely the thing that held her future (her dowry), seen the difference between her treatment of Jesus and Simon's treatment of him, but never this before.

"Jesus said to the woman, 'Because you believed, you are saved from your sins. Go in peace." v. 50
Because she believed what exactly? I would love an interview with her; he had not yet been crucified or risen again. Believed he was who he said he was and could do what he said he could?Believed he had the power to forgive?Believed that He was God's son? I may be searching too deeply and splitting hairs, but I can't satisfy the question. I know he had other connections with people prior to his death and they believed too. What exactly was it? I have been chewing on it now since last Tuesday night and I continue. It's good to chew, to grow, to process and be processed, grown, and changed.

Fuel 08

2008-06-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

We just returned (exhausted!!) from spending the week at FUEL camp with 40 something students and 20 adult volunteers! It was amazing! God met us in a new way; spiritually and relationally. The adult team began months ago coming together and the talents He brought to this camp were crazy cool! From production/environment, to breakout leaders, to main session components, to recreation and relationship building, to the administration and organization of it all. The heart brought in by the student team for recreation and teamwork was more than I could have asked or imagined. God did some movement in these leaders and it was awe-inspiring to watch them follow Him investing in their peers and younger students! Bonclarken retreat center was a great, peaceful place with an amazing head staff. The band, Six Piece Suit, joined our student leaders in portraying lifestyle worship throughout the whole week, not only leading us in praising God. Confessions were laid bare, relationships were built and strengthened, hearts were healed, and true worship was experienced in our coming and going, our getting up, and our lying down (what little of that they did:) Now we go forth with what we have gained and build on it in the coming days of 40 Days of Summer! I am grateful and humble and excited to be but a piece of the puzzle He is forming.

Falling off high horses hurts

2008-05-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

So needless to say the last week has been crazy and this week will ramp up in craziness culminating in a wonderful week of Fuel next week which will be craziness of an all together different kind. Obviously I'm off my schedule, the boys are off their schedule and being all three human and none of us perfect we are affected. (or infected depending on how you veiw it) There have been a few temper tantrums, an increase in whining and complaining, and the occasional pass out nap that wasn't planned from utter exhaustion.

Sunday as I was packing for AL , correcting, cleaning, correcting, finishing laundry, correcting, loading up, correcting, getting ready for church, and correcting, I realized that I could very easily at any second go into a screaming tyraid of tears, flailing, melodramatic movement, and distorted face that could rival any tantrum seen thus far from my beloved children. (I could even have included some of the moves they have shown me!!) Then I felt the thud, the pain of the impact, the beginning of the bruising hopefully that will stay around a while to keep me in focus and in check. Yes, I fell from a big, beautiful, extremely TALL "high horse" (at least it was shiny black with a beautiful white diamond-shaped marking on its head and long flowing mane). Obviously, it was an invisible one however since there was no Black Beauty standing in my family room but it emotionally paralleled a crash on my hardwood floor. Friday night as I watched so many adults at graduation, I thought repeatedly, "You are the adult! Why are you acting like that? No wonder teenagers are strange sometimes. Look at their model of mature. Dude!"

And He whispered as He lovingly, helped me to my figurative feet, "Farah, you are the adult. Not only are you older; you have also been Mine longer. Now breathe...and model...and remember that they don't know Me like you do. Although they do have awesome "childlike faith", you and I have more history." And His peace grounded me and I pressed on in my tasks and with His help, replaced more of the "correctings" with some praising of Him and also of them. I don't understand how people do it without Him!

Graduations

2008-05-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

After attending two graduations this weekend (one Friday night and the other Saturday morning) and watching over 1000 students accept their diplomas, I have learned even more about values. While David and I try to continue working our values into our own life as a family and observe how values really drive other things in our world, I more readily see them in situations. It has been years since I went to two different graduations. Excellence was valued by both just excellence in different things. During one, there was more formality in the ceremony itself, including an abundant honoring of our country and military forces, as well as a key note speaker. For the other, relationships and educational achievements were kept at the forefront and students were given the podium more often during the ceremony. At both it was interesting to see some of the adults in the audience. At the first, I was shocked to see a grown man stand and turn on a group of students who were probably sophomores or juniors and use anger and even profanity to "persuade" them to be a little quieter. This was his first attempt and needless to say he only succeeded in making enemies out of the other adults (who had small children present) around him as well as the group of students while increasing the noise level. At the second, I was extremely embarrassed for the student whose family member did a dance similar to "a rain dance" with no rhythm and inconsiderately whooping and yelling while other names were being recognized for their diplomas. The driving value there was self. At both I personally concluded that I value beach balls at graduations and a VIP pass for myself to have prior access to graduates so I don't interrupt their family time following the ceremony.

Caring for the soul

2008-05-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

Life has been somewhat of a whirlwind lately--blogging has been on the backburner. I have finished The Air I Breathe by Louie Giglio and enojoyed it, especially his Chapter 10 on getting to know God. It is something I have done unintentionally in my own walk over time, but thought the chapter was a great directional guide for new believers I may come in contact over the years.

I am continuing to marianate in Romans 12; adding a few verses from 13.
I am currently reading Breaking the Discipleship Code by David Putman, from Mountain Lake. I am only on Chapter 5 but it is resounding in my own soul. I came from a culture (despite my disconnectedness early on) where you make a decision and are discipled through bible study and life worship from there. As he is describing things in the book, it does seem that more and more people today are taking longer to make what used to be the initial step. As D.P. describes, they look under the hood and take a while checking it out, in their search. As I process, it is almost as though they begin what I consider the discipliship journey prior to their "decision". This can be somewhat uncomfortable for us "old-schoolers" who want that decision quickly, clearly, and concisely to keep track of them. My intentions are good as to close the deal, but I think patience is needed. With so much mixing of spirituality these days, it is good for them to question and filter. David and I have always wanted students to question and we've been willing to hang in with them while they do (he much better than I because he can think like that without losing himself).

Anyway, some of my favorite quotes:
"We must keep in mind that caring for a person's soul is our greatest responsibility, for the soul is fragile and has to be handled with care."

"Being a missional follower of Jesus is about getting outside ourselves and into their world, their lives, their minds, and their search." (that visual of getting "into their search" with them being willing to get dirty and keep them company while they dig for their answers even when our answer is "I don't know" often says more than any solution we could give)

"It wasn't until I began planting churches that I realized it was the responsibility of the church and its members to care for the soul, not merely keep it out of hell. I discovered that by creating a safe place for people to come and enter into relationships through which to explore and experience Jesus, many would find Jesus for themselves. To me, this explains why Jesus became a friend to sinners, and so must we." Dude! Dude! and more Dude!

I, too, have experienced and learned this in church planting partially due to the fact that you don't always have an official building from which to deliver the hellfire and brimstone. I agree with D.P. that the church must be a missionary going to them. You have to erect little safe havens of introspection and conversation on the football fields, at the cheerleading competitions, during the graduation projects, in the McDonalds booths or Chik-fil-A playplaces, and even in your family room as well as in the church environments. You can set up those safe places for them to check Him out also because the Truth is He wants them to seek Him so that He can allow them to find Him. I am thankful to say that he brought me a husband who does this very well and teaches me how to be more at ease with it.

Enrolling your first child in preschool...

2008-05-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

Wow! I have seen many moms bring their children for the first time to the preschool where I worked as an SLP. I have observed the challenge that it was for some and the relief it was for others. I have marveled at how those little ones can transform in a year as part of the socialization and education process. I have hurt with ones left out, been upset with ones who bullied, and confused at how some that are supposed to be so naive and innocent have already been overly exposed to some of the ugliness of this world. And now I have enrolled my child into that world beginning in September. I know it will be good for him; it will be good for Cole; it will be good for me. But like all things that are good for you, some of them can taste wonderful and some make you want to gag. I hope this is more of the former.

Being followed

2008-04-30T12:26:00.000-07:00

Okay maybe just paranoid...I have that feeling of what I think it would be like to be followed. Romans 12 won't leave me alone. It keeps popping up in my head (because I've memorized many of the individual verses in it), it popped up in the reading guide, it popped up twice in a book I am reading, and it keeps popping up on blogs. The latest "pop" happened today as I was visiting a site that my newest friend, Sheila, suggested, www.trulycaptivating.com. This led me to another site with an entire excerpt from (you guessed it) Romans 12. Most of the part I haven't memorized is the part about blessing those who persecute you and letting God avenge.(vs.14-21) The quoted sentence on Truly Captivating was a little unnerving--thus the paranoia. Do I have someone, LORD, who is about to betray me? Are you getting me ready for something? Should I stop reading Romans 12? should I memorize the whole thing? Verse 20 does crack me up because even if someone is my enemy I still don't have a desire to "reap burning coals on his head". I do NOT want to be overcome by evil, though, for sure. This being as "shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves" (Mt 10:16) stuff is complicated.

Aunt Jonnie

2008-04-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Today I attended the funeral of an amazing woman--my great-aunt Jonnie. This person is one that never missed a birthday, always sent a Christmas present and would send the occasional encouragement note just when you needed it. The thing that made her more amazing was that we didn't really officially meet until my Freshman year at Auburn but this had happened for as long as I could remember. She and my Uncle Jimmy had an amazing marriage--full of love until death departed them about 12 years ago (I think) when he passed. His funeral was the most amazing one I had ever attended due to the fact that there was almost as much laughter as there were tears. This was mostly because of the relationship he had with Christ--but it was partially because of Aunt Jonnie. Today everyone talked about her genuine smile which was the radiance of Christ in her life. Recurring words like joy, laughter, and love were associated with her in every conversation. She was described as being the kind of person that welcomed, cherished, and adopted everyone as hers (either her child or her sister or brother). The pastor that led her service associated Jonnie with smiling so much (despite her circumstances --and not just faking) that he was led to look up Scriptures involving smiling. He mentioned that this was a difficult task but found it appropriate that "smile" was found in the end of Prov.31. Jonnie was definately a godly wife and mothered and cared for us all despite the fact that she never had any children of her own. She lived a long 92 years and saw much hardship, much death, many loved ones make hurtful choices, and yet she lived expressing Christ's joy until the end. Oh that I could be 1/4 of the woman that she was and love Him with a portion of the love she had for Him! I pray that my funeral is as joyous as hers because we all knew where she wanted to be the most!!!!! Even my eye "gushers" were only misty for a few seconds.

My favorite verse

2008-04-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

It is true that I have had many a favorite verse over the years. This morning I was reading in Ecclesiastes through the Wii reading guide (that's kind of funny looking if you don't attend mountainlake). When I saw the selection for today I was excited; as I got into verse 3 I added it to my list of favs. But as I read through verses 9-12 for the umpteenth thousandth time in my life, it was still so amazing!!...As is Psalm 37, 139, 119, 23, the entire books of James, Colossians, and Philippians, so much of Romans, Isaiah 43, 1 Samuel 16:7, Genesis 50, ...okay so you get it, I could go on and on.
My point, I am grateful to have gotten to a place in my spiritual life where my favorites list is so long I just might as well say the Bible is my favorite. So much of it I can quote; so much of it I have still to uncover!! But as an avid reader of many books, I highly recommend it as my absolute favorite!!

Flower Life

2008-04-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

I love flowers!! I love how they will find the sunlight and follow it as it rises and sets... often not noticeable at all to most people. I bought these tulips as a centerpiece for our table and the past two mornings they have shifted from symetrically arranged in the vase to onesided and heads directed straight at the window to the left in the picture-- toward the light and away from the dark. Although, this focusing does make it difficult to arrange them, it is quite an inspiring phenomenon. As I readjusted them this morning, I wondered about how as I focus my eyes, my direction, my life in the every day coming and going on Him, how much more difficult I am for the enemy to "arrange" into his metaphorical vase. How even if I can't beat him up (like I sometimes wish I could) I can irritate the mess out of him. All it takes is focus in the morning and following--this is deep worship of my God!

Necessary

2008-04-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

Dax received a Hot Wheels car from some new friends tonight but David had told him that he couldn't play with it yet and then David had to leave for a little while. After he had gone, Dax asked to play with it saying that he couldn't wait any longer. I asked him what Daddy had said and I stood by David's decision. Dax replied with, "Daddy's not necessary." This was one of those moments in parenting when a lesson must be taught, but my face has already revealed that I found his first use of the word "necessary" extremely humorous. I had to recover, backtrack, and help him process what "necessary" means and how we need Daddy very, very much which makes him quite necessary in our life.

As I got them ready for bed, I realized how I do this in my spiritual walk: When I am wanting something, I can rationalize how my Heavenly Father is not really necessary in this instance (usually involving "Turkish Delight" as C.S. Lewis would say) but then when things get really hard I'm quick to proclaim his how crucial He is. When life is okay and He has seemed a little absent (because I've been skipping time with Him) I can say, "Oh, He is not part of this; He is not involved; He is not necessary for this exchange.

Help me remember Your importance LORD, Your necessity in all that I am and in all that involves me.

Here you go, Crystal Corn

2008-04-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

Had an extremely difficult conversation today. You know those awkward ones where if you are conflict handicapped (like me and Crystal Corn and some other only children),you get the emotional willies. I have such a hard time with discernment between turning the other cheek and authenticity when it comes to a sticky situation involving someone with whom I am very close. If the elephant has formed, I would rather just live around him that kick him out and I am NOT into elephants (they are the enemy to the Tigers). But eventually he stretches out and sits on me and all of a sudden I wake up one morning suffocating. Even from this point, I try to function for at least 6 more months;)

Today while reading in Matthew it was so sharp how Jesus spoke Truth. My friend, Tricia, stated it this way: he didn't "mince words". Her description made me laugh when I compared it to myself, who minces and mushes until it is nonsense and yucky. I can't help but giggle when I think about putting myself in the shoes with someone I might have an issue with (David most of the time) --how by the end of a conversation that I may have worked months to build up the courage to initiate, they probably feel like they are trying to hold oatmeal in their hands without any of it falling through their fingers. Yes, I try not to keep a record of wrongs, I try not to hold onto past hurts, but then when it comes time for me to give constructional feedback, I have no substantial evidence. Wow~! Pray for my husband, my kids, my family and my friends!

Deserving

2008-04-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

I've had several conversations of late in which the other party makes a statement about how life has just not been what they thought it would be. It has been hard and they aren't where they thought they would be which then leads to me asking where they thought they would be which ends with an extremely optimistic view of happily ever after. It got me to thinking why fairy tales draw us in so much when we have heard Truth say its not going to be that way here. I love how my two friends Buck and Beth often quote Erwin McManis in saying you deserve two things death and hell. It seems like a negative view but really if you keep that in a forefront area of life then everything else is good...icing...gravy...whatever you prefer. We live in such an entitled mindset so often that it is easy to forget. We are not entitled, deserving, or worthy!

Jesus said, "In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) Even though I know there will be change, there will be disappointment; I will have unmet expectations; I will suffer; I know that I can TAKE HEART!!

Great Expectations

2008-04-14T05:07:00.001-07:00

This no regrets(adults) and great expectations(students) series has been so great for me!! It has hit hard in some areas but been wonderful! Last night Terry Douglas and Gerry Brown finished off the Great Expectations series in Shift. They both were asking the students to share disappointments or surprises when expectations were met or left wanting. I was surprised at how much their expectations surrounded food! Ha! For me, expectations are usually totally relational (unless I am hoping for DP). Either someone does or does not meet my expectations or I expect a certain size crowd (whether intimate or mass) in a specific situation and it just is plain different than what I thought. Repeatedly in life He has taught me that it is usually better than I think. Moreso, early on in life, I would not seek God's plan , seek my own and be left wanting but now if I go with His plan, it is often better than I could have imagined in the end. Terry talked about Jonathan and his armor bearer being open to God's plan (1Samuel 14, expecting Him to let them know what action to take and then TAKING tHE ACTION!! Gerry talked Joseph in Genesis about really looking for HIS THOUGHTs, HIS WAYS, and going with them. BEcause they are better!! Exodus 50:19-21 have been some of my favorites for several years. God truly can and does make some of our biggest blessings come from our pain.

Two of the songs we sang had the following two phrases. They are my quotes for the day:
"You make oceans from the rain."
"Come have Your Way among us."

This weekend in sports

2008-03-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a fun-filled one with many smiles and renewing bonds as a family and with others. We spent much of Friday together just hanging out. Daddy and the boys kicked Mom out Friday morning for some "guy time" as Dax likes to say. Then we just wrapped up some errands Friday before lunch and rest time.

I attended my first ever lacrosse game which was part of a tournament at West Forsyth High School Friday evening. I can say I may have found my second favorite sport to watch (football still holds my heart), but now the boys may have options! Ha! Anywho, it was so good to be back out there in the student world. We haven't been for a while and we aren't quite sure why. It was good to sit in the stands with some students and support others. It was good to meet their friends and parents and resume contact with some other parents that we have known. It was just plain good to remember who we are together. Our family just seems to gain energy from hanging out with students, from Dax attempting to talk trash over video games and getting a laugh to David attempting to talk trash (oh sorry--talking about your great skills honey) to Cole winning everyone with his gentleness -- ok so his hamming up every possible moment. Did I say it was just good?

Then sponteneity occurred at the Isbell home Saturday morning (which hasn't happened often since the two newest additions arrived). As the parents realized around 10 am that Auburn's A-Day game would be starting at 1pm and we had a small but open window to get there and all 4 attend for cheaper than one regular season game, the mad dash began to shower and load up, get lunch, and restock on diapers since we were down to only one. So that is what we did and it was great! Pops joined us. The boys got to go down to the hedge around the field, see the guys, and Cole's hero, Aubie up close and in person. We cheered with the cheerleaders but when I tried to get Dax to do "Two bits" arm motions with me like he did last year, he looked at me in horror and stated emphatically, "Mom, I look like a girl when I do that!!" and held his arms clenched to his side. My boy is a-growing up. I apologized and did them alone. It was still fun! So we watched the game and for all those smarties out there who will be tempted to comment and ask who won. Yes, Auburn won!! You are hilarious!! One great part was we ran into some great friends who went to AU while we were there and have just returned from missions in the Phillipines. We wrapped up the day with a trip to the Big Blue Bookstore for some new tees and had dinner with Pops and Nana when she got off work. It was a great spontaneous memory created and pondered!! I will try to post pics on www.disbellfam.blogspot.com.

Romans! Dude!!

2008-03-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

I have been reading Matthew with the church fam during the NO regrets series, but "dipping into" Romans on the weekends and wow!! The Holy Spirit has shown me some great promises in just the first 3 chapters. Some snipits follow:

"Such a person gets praise from God rather than from people" 2:29b

"God will continue to be true even when every person is false" 3:4

" Faith causes us to be what the law truly wants." 3:31
These are all from the NCV.

No Regrets series

2008-03-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

Shawn kicked off the No Regrets series yesterday. I think the thing that stood out to me most was his illustration on skydiving. He went last week with Rodney to experience one of the things he would regret not doing. He talked about skydiving and how most people are not so much afraid of dying but of hitting the ground and not dying. When relating to jumping out of the proverbial plane of my plans for my life and into the plans God has for me, I would say that pretty much sums it up well. In those instances where I have jumped, it has been a great whirlwind of experiences and such, but I do still fear the pain of possibly hitting the ground. So far, I can say I haven't experienced a SPLAT but I've had a couple of rough landings. None so much to keep me from jumping again, but that "leaning out of the door of the plane" does still get me.

Happy Easter!!

2008-03-23T05:43:00.000-07:00

So today we celebrate Him in all his glory...not a mere babe in a manger...but the risen Lord! One who defied death and so many other things we think we knew to bring us into a one-on-one relationship with the Father! One who can pray for us and whom we can pray through! One with whom we can walk daily and watch work on the hearts of those around us! One who brings us fully alive in His resurrection to experience, to love, to be in our deepest core!

I had a friend forward some "before Easter thoughts" from her sis-in-law this past week and I'd like to share them here:
"I can't help but think that God is trying to teach me something right before Good Friday...the day Jesus was crucified. Those who belong to Jesus kill their wants and wishes, thier personal tastes and preferences. Those who belong to Jesus take a sledge hammer and some big, thick rusty stakes and bam the heck out of what they want, how they feel, getting the message that "it's not about me". Those who belong to Jesus have willingly and on purpose given up what they selfishly want. What does that mean to me personally? Well, without going into TOO much detail about my personl life, it means loving those folks who don't love me back. It means cleaning up my attitude towards others. It means putting the needs of others before my own needs. It means forgiving someone who not only hasn't asked for my forgiveness but doesn't want it. Ouch...
It's time for me to "be crucified" with Jesus. I'll tell you what...if I don't crucify myself then all my Easter hoopla is just a big spring party and I will miss the true joy of the resurrection."

I loved the sledge hammer and stake description. I so often forget the size of the stakes and the pounding required to crucify especially "my tastes and preferences" and all my selfishness and self-preservation. The joy is that I can be raised with Him free of that dead weight, free to give my all to the world not holding back in fear, all because of what He did for me. May I love, forgive, put others first, and clean up my attitude all with complete abandon.

Quotes

2008-03-20T07:49:00.001-07:00

Here are some quotes I have recovered in an older journal (mostly jotted down off emails and little knick knacks i have seen--authors unknown) that are speaking volumes to me currently:

It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you wnte them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I should keep my words soft and sweet in case I have to eat them.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, [Dr Pepper in the other] body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO! What a ride!"

That last one I have liked for a while and I still agree with it mostly, but I do want to have enough stamina and physical ability to pop wheelies in my wheel chair. So limiting the chocolate and DP in this life enough to stay healthy and enjoy the heck out of it is an "understood" underlining for me when I read this. Anyway hope these cheer and encourage!

Catching Up

2008-03-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

I have attempted to blog my perceptions about our TV experience (see David's blog) from last Wednesday and blogger has not let me publish any of the "articles" I had written. I am beginning to think the Holy Spirit is protecting me so I will keep them to myself.

I am learning a lot during the RE:Act series both through the adult services as well as in Shift. Some of my favorite lyrics from songs this weekend were: "Come have Your way among us!"
Thing I think He wants me to relearn, reassess, realign my thoughts about: PRAYER
From Shawn, The early church was constantly praying but not for ease, not for safety, but for "boldness and courage" to "continue the work that Jesus started" --"to seek and to save what was lost."
From David, "hijacking the will of God". I attempt this way more than I should in my personal prayer life. To convince Him that my way is better, to persuade Him to do this or that, to help with this or that, etc. It is true that in the last year I have begun to acknowledge Him more, that He has plans, those plans are better, and acknowledging my cluelessness in and about those plans. But I'm facing a situation right now where I clearly have a desire for what will happen. It is not totally selfish because it is for someone else. But it is what I want and it is hard for me to say, "OK God, whatever You want for Your Kingdom, come have your way among us." It doesn't make the hope any less; but it does let you rest in knowing that no matter the outcome, He is working and active.

Re-Act kickoff

2008-03-03T08:28:00.000-08:00

Our new series at church is Re-Act. Acts is our basis book. (shocking I know!) Shawn brought up some great things Sunday for me. He brought up how in chap1:1-5 Jesus told the disciples/apostles to not go anywhere, to stay put, and wait. He hypothesized how this could have been hard for some especially Peter. Why can't we go ahead and go now? Doesn't he know what we've learned, and seen, and gone through? We are ready to run with this!! He took this into how we want to do things so often "by myself" even at a young age. Waiting is hard! Slow down, look around for what God is doing. Waiting is allowing God to act before we react. He acted out out this by "praying" with one eye open in anticipation and one eye closed in patience to wait for Him before running ahead. This is hard! But I want it!

Zechariah 4:6 "So he said to me, 'This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD almighty.